Possession

Jay finally found a job with Unifirst in October of 2010.  Unifirst is uniform and janitorial supply company.  It was most defiantly not what we had hoped for, but by that time we were desperate for any work and Jay happily took the job. 

I busied myself with goats and Pagan things as usual.  I had been with the HP’s coven for about a year now, and my student and I continued to do rituals at my house.  After a disagreement with my student I closed my group.  We held our last ritual on Yule of 2010.  After that my student and I basically became absorbed into the HP’s coven.

After some years, Jay and I were finally alone.  We could walk around our property naked if we wanted.  We never had to worry if someone was going to walk in while we were making love.  Mike D. was notorious for not knocking.  I have the memory of sitting with Jay in the hot tub one night, skinny dipping, and just soaking up the silence.  My fear of being alone had turned into something I desperately wanted and cherished. 

In the Spring I put in a large garden.  In April of 2011 I went to conference in south Texas to give a speech on Holda and to visit Father Dave, Mother Mari, and Mother Gloria.  It was wonderful!  While I was away my mother watched the farm.  Holda, my Angora goat, named in honor of the goddess, birthed as baby boy.  My mother, I think just to spite me, named him Jesus!  In those days I could not leave without fear I would have a baby born while I was away. 

At a Beltane (May 1^st) ritual at the HP’s coven I danced the Maypole.  We call the night before Beltane, Walpurgisnacht, it is one of Holda’s most sacred nights.  It is when she comes to the end of the Wild Hunt and returns to her mountain.   It was a great ritual with lots of raised energy, the kind that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and gives you goose bumps.  The twisting and turning of the Maypole, the magic of the ritual, the sacred time of year, the heat, and my exhaustion put me in an altered state of consciousness. I’m still not sure why or how it happened, I just know that it did. 

I danced the Maypole and got hot and dizzy.  I went back to sit in my chair in the west, under the tree.  My vision soon became fuzzy.  As the HP went to close the ritual, I began to twist and writhe in my chair as the sprits began entered and exited my body.  Mother Gloria refers to it as kind of like a revolving door.  You never know who is going to come thru. The first one to come threw I believe was Pan.  It seemed odd at the time, as I do not worship him, but given my heavy involvement with goats I kind of understand.  I had to fight the debilitating urge to crawl on all fours and rub my horns on things.  He left eventually, but a few more popped in and out.  I was confused.  I had no idea what was going on.  I tried my best to get out of it, to shake it off, but they had me and would not let me go. 

Finally the Mother came thru.  What goddess she was I still don’t know.  She was ancient, perhaps she was simply the divine archetype.  I have no idea.  She would come thru later in another possession and tell me she was called by many names.  It was thru the Mother that I spoke and prophesied.  I was finally able to get control of my body long enough to speak and tell one of the women next to me, “Bring the mother (meaning the HP) to me.”

It took the HP a moment to understand what was going on, and then she kneeled at my feet.  It was not me.  I was being used like a divine tool.  I watched from somewhere inside myself, as I laid hands on my HP, blessed her, spoke to her of how much I loved her, how proud I was of her and that her coven would continue to grow and prosper. 

When she went to hug me I begged her to, “Make them go away.”  She stood up and clapped her hands.  At that point they left my body.  The next thing I remember was looking up at the leaves on the tree.  I came out a bit terrified and confused.  I was so weak I could barely walk.  I had to be helped into the HP’s house.  I still have no idea how long it had lasted.  It took hours to shake off the residual energy and come back to my full self. 

I had an idea of what had just happened.  I had seen it before, in south Texas when Mother Gloria sat High Seat.  I never intended to duplicate what she had done.  Doing this type of work and not being properly grounded and trained can kill a person.  You can come back fine, come back in bits and piece or not come back at all.  Doing this type of work can be very, very dangerous.  I still don’t know why they chose me.  It would be some years, before they tried it again, but it would not be the last time.

In May of 2011, I attended the Pagan Unity Festival (PUF) in Tennessee, again.  Only this time I was there without Mike D. and Velvet so I really got to enjoy it.  I went with Father Dave, Mother Mari, Mother Gloria and a few others.  They swung by to pick me up on their way to Tennessee from south Texas.  I had a most excellent time.  I got to met and hang out with Pagan authors, many of whom I had known on-line for some years.  I learned so much that weekend. 

I asked my Druid buddies from Texas what had happened to me at Beltane.  It was Father Dave’s guess that they were testing me.  Who knows maybe they were trying me out for size.  He cautioned me against this type of work, without skilled people around me, to bring me out if I got stuck.  All three of them explained to me over and over again the danger of this work. 

I came home and went back to the regulars of farm life: growing vegetables and milking goats.  That Summer I told my HP that I wished to officially initiated into the coven.  She questioned my knowledge on all things pagan, told me to put together a Book of Shadows with certain things in it, and that soon the rite would be held.  I did not know between them and there that the bottom would fall out of my life, again. 

Ilsa