I have often wondered what his major malfunction was. We went through several ideas during our marriage, from hypoglycemia, to him being possessed by a demon, whom we tried to expel. My first councilor after I left him, Liz, believed him to be a psychopath. I agree. I wonder now if Mike was also bipolar like his mother was. I have always wondered if he was abused by his parents. He refused to discuss or even tell me one story of himself as a child. Why I don’t know. Whatever made him the way he was I will never know.
At some
point I lost the belief that I could change Mike, that I and love alone could make
him get better. That I could make him treat
me better. I wanted out. I had known for about a year and half before
I left him that I wanted to leave, I just had no idea how. Now I had threatened
many times, that if he did not clean up his act and get help I was going to
leave. Mike had me believing my parents
would never take me back. About six
months before I left I began telling him I wanted a divorce. He would not listen. He could not hear me.
When we
arrived at the Cove we began to look for work. We were surviving off a loan that he forced me
to sign. In Northwest Louisiana no one wants to hire someone with a college
degree and little work experience. I got
some temp work and eventually I began to sell cars at a local dealership. I was terrible at it. I can’t lie with a straight face, but I
tried. I think I sold a total of 3 by
myself, and one was to my mom. I quit
selling cars in January of 2001. I told
them if they ever need a receptionist to call me. A few weeks later they did. I started working as a relief receptionist
and later as file clerk at their Shreveport branch. Mike eventually got a job working in the new
sports radio station in town.
I was now
very Buddhist and defined myself as such.
My Christian husband could have cared less. I remember being at times suicidal, even
writing a note that Mike made me burn later.
He made me promise to never write one again. I remember being very angry. My Buddhist books helped me to realize that
and to realize that I was very angry at Mike for the first time. I became violent. When we fought I threw dishes. I remember one day asking him to come get his
dishes out of the sink. I began to count
to ten. When I got to ten I broke a
dish. I went through three dishes and
throwing a canister at him before he finally got up from his video game to do
what I had asked. I just loved to hear
them crash! When I married Jay, I made
sure my dishes were heavy enough that if I threw them at the wall they would
not break. I am thankful to say that I
am no longer a dish thrower. I haven’t
needed to be.
Mike was
fired from his position at the radio station in the Spring of 2001. I still do not know why. We had one car so Mike would take me to
work. He would be unshaven and
unshowered at that point. I would ask
him if he was going to look for work that day.
He would say, “uhum,” while he continued to play Pokémon on his
Gameboy. When he would come back, he
would look just the same. I would ask if
he had looked for work that day. He would
say, “ Yes.” I began to believe he was
lying to me. So one day I preformed what
I called the kiss test. I had to wear
makeup for my job. One day as he pulled
up to drop me off at work. I put on a
very bright red lipstick and as I prepared to leave I covered his whole face in
kisses. I asked him if he was going to
look for work that day. He responded in
the affirmative. He returned 8 hours
later unshaven, unshowered and covered in my kisses. Michael was lying to me.
I confronted
him and he blew up as usual. I wondered
where he was going while I was at work. Now
Michael was a book smart man, but he was stupid about covering up his
tracks. One day not long after, I was
putting away his socks and discovered a receipt for Capri video. He was in the shower. I stole a look in the checkbook. Remember I was allowed to deposit money in
but I was never allowed to look in it or know how much money was in the check
book. Inside were more receipts for
Capri video. Now Capri video was a
little hell hole where men could go and rent a little room for $25, watch
pornos and jack off. Mike got out of the
shower. I was furious. We were living hand to mouth at that time, I
was being lied to and I snapped. I
grabbed him and threw him down on the bed.
I choked him until he turned blue.
That was not the only time I was violent with him. A few weeks before I picked up a large
serrated bread knife and held it against his throat. I told him, “I ought to kill you, but you’re
not worth the prison time,” and I let him go.
I am still ashamed at what I did.
I hesitate to tell you these things, but I want you to understand that
this man pushed me to places I never dreamed I could go. I was becoming like him.
I made the
decision to try to reestablish relations with my parents. I remember sitting down with them in my
living room. I told them, we are broke,
it looks like we are going to have to file bankruptcy, and I told them finally
about his porn addiction. It was the
first time I had told the truth I a long time.
It felt good and I kept doing it.
It was the first time I had been open with them about my relationship
with him. They were shocked.
I wanted to
leave and I just did not know how to do it.
In April of 2001 my mom did something very smart. She began to take me to the movies once a
week. It was a glorious break of
normalcy. I remember getting in the car
one Sunday afternoon after our movie and saying, “I just don’t want to go
home.” She chimed in with, “You don’t
have too.” I convinced myself that I did
and I went home, but that…that was the seed that started it all.
Ilsa
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