A Goodbye of Sorts

December 30^th, 2016

This is my 101^st post.  Wow!  I can’t believe it, and in a way it is the end of this blog.  Oh sure I will post when the fancy strikes, or when I need to say something important, but for now I think this blog has worked it’s magic. 

Those of you who have been following along have no doubt noticed that I have only posted a few articles this year.  There is a reason for that, I have been working on my first novel and completed it in November.  We are now in the editing phase and I hope to self publish by this summer, Goddess willing.  Of course I will post when it is available.  It is called, “We are all a little broken.”  It is a really good book about two women’s struggle to overcome their abusive past and find their voice with the help of a loving family, as they come to terms with what their mother has done to them.  It is set here in Northwest Louisiana.  I think you will enjoy it.  I hope to start major work on the next book next week. 

As for me and Jay, we are well.  Jay is trying to get his sugar under control, it is out of wack again.  I told him I think it is the stress, and hustle and bustle of the holidays.  I think it will calm down after the first of the year.  His sugar had been doing really good, but I think he is frustrated.

Team Ilsa is currently in hiatus, every time I start back up, I get sick.  Team Plaisance never got off the ground.  But I am still busy, cleaning house, and doing my thing. 

Our food trailer, Garson duBayou, is doing great.  We are busy, and making good money.  Working lots of events and I have been helping out a lot.  In September we were in the local food truck rally.  We were ecstatic to take home second place, especially since it was our first year to enter. 

This fall I started putting in applications for work.  I have started with a state program called Louisiana Rehabilitation Services.  They help people who have mental and / or physical disabilities get and keep a job with the accommodations they need.  I have had my orientation, my intake interview, been sent to a specialist, and at the moment I am awaiting to hear back on whether or not they can help me.  I am hopeful, but I still fear that my past will come back to bite me.  We will see. 

In December of last year Juno left us.  She fell in love with a nice man on line and one night he drove down from New York and came to get her.  I have not told you this, because I didn’t know how the situation would end, and if she would come back to Kay.  So we waited.  Juno is happy and has yet to come home.  We wish her the best.  Kay remained in the house and in October we asked her to leave.  She did.  The house that was already falling apart, is now beyond what Jay and I want to deal with and we are in process of tearing it down and turn it into new and better things.  I will let you know how it turns out.

In late September we made the heart breaking decision to put Princess down.  You can read about all that went on here, in Homage to Princess.

In May I made the decision to go “No Communication,” with my mom.  You can read about that here in All her sins laid bare.  It has not been easy, and there are times that I miss her, or the idea of a mother, greatly.  I was not sure what would happen between me and Daddy.  It took seven months before I got a response from him, and it was only to ask for my change of address.  He didn’t want to start back a relationship with me.  On the phone messages he left when he said, he loved me and he wanted to visit with me, it was as if they were after thoughts.  As I always do with these types of major events and decisions in my life, I sought the council of those wiser then myself, as well as searched my own heart.  For what I wanted, and what I needed to do seemed to be a step too big to take.

I know threw now fault of his own, my mother uses my dad like a spy.  He told me so himself.  In those two and a half years that mom and I did not speak, about nine months in Daddy came back into my life.  We would go to dinner, and visit.  Just us two.  Dad told me he had to come home and give mom the report on what I wore, how I looked, how I seemed, what we talked about.  Everything I told him I might as well have been telling her.  I made the heart breaking decision to sever my ties with Daddy, for my own mental health, until she is either dead or he leaves her.  In my letter I spoke to him as if it was the last thing I would ever say to him.  It was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do.  My pain is still great and it is not easy to talk about.  Sometimes what we want is not good for us, and it is best for me to stay away.  Self care is an act of survival, not selfishness.

Your saying to yourself, ‘well maybe he wanted to send you a letter.’ No, it was a tax bill he wanted to send me.  My mother is crazy about mail.  So once I gave him my address, she would have it.  She will hound you with cards, and packages of gifts that you don’t want, and then tell you she has no money for food.  Once you open that flood gate you can’t go back.  We have done this before.  I would tell Dad, “I only want mail from you.”  I would get cards from her.  I would refuse them.  Finally I told him, it’s not your hand writing on the envelope or inside.  So he would address the envelope in a card she had picked out, and then sent from their home, not where he was working.  No thank you.  I have been through this song and dance before.  It is not worth the anxiety every time I go to the mail box.

And then this little tid bit to just make the wound all that much worse.  I was telling this story to a family member, who said, and I will paraphrase here, “Oh I remember when you and your Dad would go to dinner.  Your mom bitched about it the whole time.”  Ouch.  It was not my mom was pissed off my dad was spending $40 bucks to take me to lunch once a week, it was that he was spending time with me.  It was not that they didn’t have money.  I know in those years he paid over $20,000 just in taxes off the money he made.  I didn’t ask for gold, or diamonds, or for him to pay my bills.  I just asked for time.  Time she could not even begrudge me.  Another relationship she is jealous of.  Every time I think she has shown me how black her heart is, she shows her contempt for me all over again.  Is it because I am Beau’s child?  Because I look like him?  Does she remember me before the surgery?  I still have no idea why she wants to do me like this. 

When I think about her I am always reminded of a scene from Ever After.  Cinderella asks her step mother, “Was there ever a moment, even in its smallest, that you loved me?”  The step mother responds, “How can you love a pebble in your shoe?”  Loving her is exhausting and gets me nowhere.  I just end up chasing my tail.  Even a beaten dog, still tries to please it’s owner.  Until the day it finally has enough and turns around and bites the crap out of the one doing the beating.

So 2016 has been a year of change, of emotional growth in leaps and bounds, and of goals accomplished I did not believe were possible.  I hope the next year is just as good, but not so emotionally taxing. 

So this is our goodbye of sorts.  I want to tell all of you that I love you, and send you all bright blessings no matter where you are on this big, round, blue, spinning ball, that is drifting through space.  In the end this blog produced 160,000 words in a year and a half, and laid end to end is over 300 pages long.  I would love to turn it into an auto biography, but who would want to read something so boring and trivial.  “It’ll never play in Peoria,” as they would say in vaudeville. 

But beside what it produced in numbers of words and pages, telling you my story, the whole story and nothing but the truth of my life, created the biggest impact on me and those around me.  It made me give my own thoughts and feelings validation, and I saw so many things from another perspective, and was able to give forgiveness where it was deserved.  It gave me the courage to establish new relationships, try again at others, and let go of several toxic relationships.  I think the biggest person I finally forgave was myself.  I began to see myself as a survivor, a thriver, a writer, a mother, a wife, a daughter to two great men, and an incredible resilient human being who is broken yes, but still has so much to give. 

So from all of us here on my little hill, we wish you a blessed Yule, and a Happy New Year.  Bright blessings to you and those you love,

Our love,

Ilsa

A Visit with Juno

A few days after I threw out Paige, I went to visit with Juno.  Oh it was so good to see her face!  I just embraced her.  We both just cried.  We sat and drank tea, while she told me what had happened to them since they had moved.  They had lived with D & K for over 6 months, in some really scary neighborhoods.  It took her a bit to see what I had seen in D.  She said, “You were right.  I just didn’t want to see it.”  D ended up using Juno like a slave.  Juno and Kay had decided they had to get out.  They saved up their money and gotten a little rent trailer.  It was tiny, but it was theirs.  It was the first place they had lived all by themselves.

Juno told me that after our fight, she believed I would never speak to her again.  She had a flashback during part of the fight and did not remember what she had said.  I reminded her.  She said, “I’m surprised you even want to talk to me after that.”  I assured her I knew she had been under D’s influence and had not been herself that day. 

I asked if D & K were still attending Druid.  Juno confirmed they were not.  I asked if it would be okay with her if I began to attend again.  She said that would be up to me.  I celebrated Beltane 2014 with my Druid group.  It was my first ritual since Mabon, more than 6 months before.  It felt so good.  It felt like home.

I continued that summer to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, recover from Paige, and from Punka’s death.  One night in July I was in the tub when Tami came in the door.  She was holding the most beautiful little black and tan Dachshund.  She had been working at the Bossier Animal Control that day and someone had brought him in.  They turned him in because he had eaten a pair of headphones.  I told him it was the best thing they had ever done.  They were full at the time, and were having to put dogs down.  So Tami had snatched him up, because she knew he would be perfect for our family.  “He looks like a Scooter to me,” I said.  And so it was that Scooter entered our lives.

Jay had been working for Unifirst for almost 5 years at that point.  We both wanted him out of that job so bad.  One warm day, I think it was in the upper 80’s, Jay called me and did not sound right.  He was exhausted and hot. He had stopped sweating and was slurring his words.  I knew he was in danger.  I told him to get off the road, and into some AC and cool off.  Jay was heat exhausted and was close to having a heat stroke.  I made him tell me where he was.  He was somewhere at a stop in Arkansas.  I told him if he did not get in some AC I was going to call 911 and get the first responders to him.  He promised me he would. 

I hung up with him and called his boss and told him what was going on.  I called back and Jay was safe and cooling off.  It was enough to scare both of us.  I told him I didn’t care if we went broke, I wanted him to find a new job, even if it was for less money.  His job was not worth his health or his life.

Tami would buy her first home in August of 2014, and move out of Momma Muriel’s house.  I was honored when she told me one of the reasons they were staying in Louisiana was to be close to me.  They chose a home about 10 miles from me.  I can be to her house in about 15 minutes.  As we could not figure out how to move Mr. Henry, the pot bellied pig, without traumatizing him, Tami gave him to me and he stayed here.  She comes to visit him and bring him treats often. 

In September Jay had to go in for his DOTD physical.  He struck up a conversation with the male medical assistant there, Robert.  Jay just happened to mention that he was trained as a medical assistant, but had been unable to find work in his field.  Robert told Jay they were hiring, and looking for a male medical assistant.  He ran to get his supervisor and introduce her to Jay.  Jay was hired a few weeks later.  Jay has never been happier! 

Jay gave his two weeks at Unifirst.  We decided for Samhain to take a vacation and go to south Texas and visit with my Druid buddies, Mother Marie, Mother Gloria and Father Dave.  Hell after the last few years we needed a break.  Tami looked after the farm for us.  We had the best time.  They are still talking about our cooking down there.  I told Mother Gloria about my trip on Marijuana, and about not wanting to be possessed by the Gods again.  She warded me and that warding has held.  I have not been taken by the Gods since December of 2013.  It is my hope that it will not happen again.  I think my mind is too fragile at this point.

On December 2^nd, 2014 Paige left my parents house.  I meet with Mom for the first time in two and a half years on December 7^th.  Two days later Mom had a stroke.  She still thinks it had to do with all the stress she was under with Paige.

Tami called me in December and told me she was having trouble with Lu-Lu and Pippy.  Both of them kept getting out of the gate and terrorizing the neighborhood.  She had asked me to take them before, but I was never ready.  We both weren’t.  I think we were both ready this time.  So close to Christmas we added Lu-Lu, a 10 year old Chihuahua, and Pippy, a 4 year old black and white mutt, into our pack.  They are very happy here.  Pippy is quite a kisser, and loves to play with Scooter.  Lu-Lu is a primadonna and Sophia’s BFF. 

Juno had told me she had never really had a Christmas, so Jay and I decided to give her one.  I had so much fun shopping for them.  It is one of my favorite Christmases’ so far, and much better than the Christmas I had spent the year before. 

Jay had started his new job in November.  We knew we would have to spend 90 days or so without insurance. We stocked up our meds as best we could, and prepared to make it through.  Thank gods for the oil well checks.  When it came time to buy my two depression meds at, $250 and $800, a bottle we obviously could not afford it. 

I made the decision to get off of my meds, for the first time in at least 10 years.  We buckled down and prepared for the worst.  What happened next we did not expect.  I began to feel better.  I was not sleeping 17 hours a day anymore.  I was not so fuzzy.  Jay and I’s love relationship got better.  I had been having problems for at least a year.  I figured, as in all things, that I was to blame and it was just all in my head.  I had had so many Dr’s tell me that, I started to believe it.  Turns out it was the meds.  I think I had been overmedicated for a long time.  I started to feel so good, I began sewing again.  Something I had not done in a long time. 

My life was finally starting to get better.  Jay was no longer exhausted all the time.  He was only working 40 hours a week.  He was not in that hot truck.  He would come home singing.  Then he would start cooking and doing clothes.  I was overjoyed to see him so happy.

In February of 2015 Juno wanted to get a service dog, to help with her mental problems.  The people in her trailer park began to give her trouble as to size and breed.  She would find a dog, and then try to talk to them about getting said dog and by the time they got back to her the dog would not be available anymore.  Then they wanted to charge them more rent because of this new dog.  Juno and I were talking one day over lunch and I said, “I will have to check with Jay, but why don’t you and Kay move out to Momma Muriel’s trailer.  You would have lots of room, and could have any dog you wanted.”  Juno and Kay moved out here the first part of April. 

Ilsa

 

 

Goodbye Paige

I would watch Paige use men, and be used by them.  She brought one home named Kevin.  He stayed with us for a week.  Telling us he was going to remodel our bathroom for room and board.  We said that was great.  He tore apart my bathroom, and in the end stole over $1000 worth of tools from us.  When a person tells you that they are a 5 time felon, with warrants out for their arrest, and that they have stole in the past.  Believe them, and don’t let them in your house!  I had no idea until after he left that she had only been texting him for about 3 days before they met and shagged for the first time, or that he had been homeless.  He also seems to have had a drug problem.  He would take Paige’s car, at that point still legally my car, and disappear for hours at night.

The night Kevin left and we discovered everything that was missing, we of course called the cops.  Paige just laid in her room.  We met with the cop on the front porch, we were scared if he came in the house he would smell weed.  We hid that too.  We knew Paige had warrants out for her, because of old speeding tickets.  I did not want the cop to take her.  Finally he said, “I want to talk to her.”  He agreed he would take her in for her old warrants.  I went in to Paige who was laying in the room feeling sorry for herself, and told her to come out.   She refused.  I went out to the cop and told her she refused.  He said, “Either she comes out or I’m going in to get her.”  He believed her to be an accomplice in all of this, and she may very well have been.  I don’t know.  I went back and finally got her to come out.  Paige could be a hateful bitch, and gods was she one that night. 

The cop was polite to her and she was downright hateful, not mean, not rude, but downright hateful.  I have a problem with people who hate cops, since Jay’s Grandfather, Great-Grandfather, and Great Uncle were all police officers.  Given my history with Melinda and Paige, I have come to believe people who hate police, often have something to hide.

The Police officer asked for her birthday and full name.  She refused to give both.  Finally he told her, “Mam’ either you give me your birthday or I will hall you in for obstruction.”  Since I did not want that to happen, I told him both.  I should have let him take her.  Would have saved me so much trouble, but I didn’t.  Paige gave me this “go to hell” look, like you would not believe.  Didn’t she understand I was trying to save her???  She was mad at me for days after that.  They never did find our stuff or Kevin for that matter.  When I called the police later to discuss how the investigation was going, they told me they would also like to give me the number for Jerry Springer, because of how fucked up this shit was.

The next man she brought in, a few days later, was Vincent Stumblingbear. I will never forget him or his name.  He was a terrible drunk.  We went two rounds with him.  He promised to fix our bathroom for room and board as well.  We were hesitant, but said yes anyways.  He did lay most of the floor. I think he stayed a week.  Oh they were in love and they were going to get married.  Vincent was Native American.  Paige knew nothing of native peoples. She often insulted him and I had to correct her.  She told Vincent, “When we get married, why don’t you wear your regalia?” Which was totally insulting to him, regalia is for rituals and pow-wow, it is not a Halloween costume.  He and I both had to explain how insulting it was. Vincent had taken a shine to me, but then many of her fellows did. 

Vincent had only been here a few days when we came to understand he had a serious drinking problem.  One night he drank 2 fifths of vodka, another bottle of some purple liquid stuff that was not quite a fifth, and something else.  And he was still upright the next morning, when we found him.  He’d been wandering the woods all night long.  He had never been to bed.  Paige and him fought and he tried to hit her.  He stopped just in time.  It was enough to terrify me. 

Jay and I told Paige we wanted him gone, and he left.  But he would not stop calling.  Vincent promised to be a good boy, if he could come back, ‘cause he just loved Paige so much.  I begged Jay and finally he said yes.  I never told Jay about Vincent trying to hit Paige.  Jay told me later, if he had know that had happened, he would have never let him come back here. 

I told Vincent he could come back, but no alcohol.  I bought him beads to keep him busy.  I know that sounds condescending, but Vincent was a wonderful beadier and had been building regalia for years to support himself.  Vincent came back and made it 3 days with us.  He literally walked away.  He walked from my house, to the interstate, many miles away, and either caught a ride or walked back to his home more than an hour away. 

He showed back up a few days later, for his things.  Vincent, like many of Paige’s men, had a thing for me.  Many of her boyfriends, and I use that term loosely, thought Paige and I were a couple, and that they would get to fuck us both.  Vincent had proposed marriage to me at least twice.  I remained firm that I was happy where I was.  When he came to get his things, Paige was not here.  He hugged me a little too tight, and proposed to me again. 

I had been chopping vegetables when he came in.  When he left I grabbed a knife and ran and hid in the closet.  I flew into a panic attack and stayed in it, for what felt like hours. My pills did not help me that time.  I think I stayed in the closet until Paige found me like that, about two hours later.  Sorry my memory is a little fuzzy there.

In April of 2014, I would be robbed, proposed to twice and two old friends would come back into my life. Marie, you can read about her here in the last little bit, had messaged me on Facebook.  I had not seen her in a very long time.  I went to visit with her and when I came home, Paige was belligerent to me.  Telling me to get in the house and start doing house work.  She said, “I let you go and visit that woman.”  I was thinking, “Excuse me!  You let me!  Who the fuck do you think you are?”  but I said nothing as usual. 

Juno had messaged me a few days after Marie had, telling me I had been right about D & K all the time.  She said that she and Kay had a new home, they wanted to see me, and she was desperately sorry for what had happened between us.  I never expected that message.  I anxiously wanted to see her. 

When I got Juno’s message, I remember looking up from the phone at Paige and thinking, “I have my friends back now.  It’s time for you to leave bitch!”  The final straw came for me when one day she was mean to Tami.  Like I have told you before, you can do what you want to me, but when you start messing with friends, that’s it. I watched her fight with Tami.  I walked in the house to cool off and gather my thoughts.  I walked back out and let Paige have it.  I still don’t remember what I said to her.

Jay and I had no idea how to get her out of the house.  We knew she had nowhere to live, very little money, and that when she left there was a possibility she would take Jelly with her.  She and Jelly had become tight again, in the time she lived here.  I did not have the courage to tell her to get out, that I didn’t care what happened to her, and that she was not taking Jelly.  I wish to the Gods now I had.

Not long after our fight she began to date Dave, who worked in the café up the street.  The day after their first date he fell and broke his leg.  She came to me and said, “Dave fell and broke his leg.  I am going to go move in with him and take care of him.”  She did.  We called her soon after and said, we hoped the move would be permanent for her, and that she should come and get her stuff very soon.  She took Jelly with her. 

When Jay bought my new car in February of 2014 I had promised Paige my car. She had been driving it, for some time.  She had even started repairing it.  I saw Paige one more time, the day I sold her my car.  Jelly was I the back window.  It would be the last time I would ever see her.

Paige lived with Dave until September of 2014, when he threw her out.  She then went back to live with my parents.  They would spend over $3000 trying to help her out.   I was still not speaking to my mother at that time.  The whole time Jay had been begging me to go and get Jelly.  I said, “No.”  I was afraid of Paige that she would not give her back to us.  If she called the cops, I believed they would side with her.  Mom and Dad asked her to leave in December 2014.  She and I were still Facebook friends.  I got good and drunk one night, and told her what a bitch and what a slut she was.  I told her the only reason I was still friends with her on Facebook, was so I could keep tabs on Jelly.  She blocked me the next day.

Ten months later I have no idea where Paige is.  I have no idea if Jelly is alive or dead.  Many nights I kick myself.  I have no idea if Jelly is cold or hungry, no idea if she is being loved or has been passed off to someone else.  I wonder if she hates me?  If she goes to bed every night thinking her Momma gave her away?  Does she thinks she is bad or that she did something wrong?  I have no idea.  You have no idea how I weep for this child, or the guilt that consumes me because I would not fight for her.  I have finally had to give her to the Goddess.  I have begun lately to think of her as dead, and greave for her.  I have no way to tell her how sorry I am.  I may have to wait a lifetime, before I will ever find out what happened to her. I have tried to search for Paige on Facebook, so that I might poke around her page and check on Jelly.  But she seems to have left Facebook all together.  Even if I am not logged into Facebook I cannot find her. 

So you’ve got to be asking yourselves why does she telling me all these stories.  As I’ve written this timeline sequence I’ve asked myself the same thing.  I think I keep telling these tales not as a woe-is-me tale, but a warning to not be like me.  To stand up and fight for yourself, even if that means you might get knocked down by the consequences.  Mike, Mike D., Melinda, D and Paige, even Perro, all have taught me major lessons in life.  I think the biggest one is that you can’t save everyone.  You are not the Goddess!  It is not your job in life to take her place and try and save people.  My life has taught me, if you find someone you think you can help, DON’T!  You are impeding on the Goddesses work.  If you help them, they will never learn.  Yes you can save animals, you can save the rainforest, and you can save the earth, but you can’t save people.  They have to save themselves.  What you are trying to save them from is life lessons.  If the baby doesn’t fall, it never learns to walk.

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.  I have had to learn to lock my heart away, and only let it out after a while.  With all of these people who have used me, you have to remember, I let them.  I have watched myself over the years go from being warm, bubby and gregarious to everyone I meet, to being slightly paranoid to meet anyone.  I have become hesitant of going out and slightly terrified crowds.  I have no idea if I make a new friend, when and if they will be the next to try and hurt me.  Everytime it happens, Jay and I sit in our little house and say, “Never again!  We will never help anyone else again!”

It sounds cruel, but you have to learn to protect yourself.  You don’t have to give away everything for your friends to like you.  They should like you for you, rich or poor.  If they don’t they are not worth your friendship.

Ilsa

Pagan Commune

So the girls move in to the back bedroom in July of 2013.  A few weeks later D & K move in to a little trailer out back of the house.  Now forgive me, I know I am repeating myself.  I have covered a lot of this in Becoming Druid.  But I will cover it again for those of you who might not have read that article yet.  Hopefully I can shed some new light on things, I forgot to tell you the first go round.

I met D & K in our Druid group.  In about May or June they really began to attach themselves to me.  Why Gods always me!  Sometimes all 5 of us, Juno, Kay, me, D & K would hang out together.  Sometimes it would just be D & K and me.  They found out that I could sew and they told me they wanted robes. I told them if they bought the material, I would make the outfits for them, and they did.  I became their sewing fool.  I know I made two robes, at least one cloak, and a bag in the span of a few weeks. 

So we are all hanging out and getting on pretty well.  D & K tell us they don’t like the way things are going with the protogrove.  They have problems with Rovena.  D feels she is racist, because she dismisses her good ideas.  D is African-American.  I admit that I am not feeling particularly spiritually fulfilled at this point.  Somewhere in here we began to talk about putting Holda’s Hands back together. 

D comes to me one day and says that she has thrown out her husband (basically a friend she legal married) and their other roommate, not K.  I think she gave me some sob story about how was she going to afford everything.  She was going to school on line and cutting grass for a living.  She was living in a trailer, she owned, not far from my house.  She says she is going to rent out the trailer to make money.  Her mother owns a rent house in the hood and she does not want to go back to live in it.  She asks, if she buys a little trailer can she put it on my land. 

Me, ever wanting to please, ever wanting to make and gather family around me, says yes.  I never thought to say, “Well let me consult with Jay first.”  Yeh I’ve been a bitch like that.  I have had to eat crow and apologize to Jay a lot about things like this.  I think I often unwillingly and unconsciously make his life difficult sometimes, and I am very sorry about that.  I apologize to him frequently about all this stuff, more so since I have started writing my truth again.  Still he loves me through it all.  I will never deserve him.  For a long time I felt that just us living here, on this land, and us living by ourselves, with our farm and our animals was not enough.  I wanted to add people to our tribe, to make almost like a pagan commune.  For a few months in 2013 that’s exactly what I had, and it didn’t take long for that to wear pretty thin. 

By the Fall of 2013 six of us were sharing my little trailer.  The girl and D & K kept much different hours then Jay and I did.  They are also half our age as well.  Internet access became a big thing out here.  Most of them had not lived without it in a long time.  D had to have it for school.  She was in school on line, but K did all her homework for her.  What terrifies me is soon D will graduate with a degree in psychology.  The fact she is controlling and manipulative to almost everyone in her life scares me, and I think it should scare others. 

All 4 of them would leave and take off and go to Wendy’s for hours at a time.  When we were finally able to get satellite internet here, they would all congregate in Juno and Kay’s room.  They would leave me out here in the rest of the house.  There was literally nowhere for me to sit in there, so much of the conversations I missed.  I began to feel they were excluding me from their little club.  Childish, right? 

One of the things that really irked me was that Jay and I would cook dinner, clean the kitchen and go to bed.  D&K who had cooking facilities in their trailer, would come in and cook in my house at 10 or 11 o’clock at night, making lots of noise while we were trying to sleep.   Jay often had to get up at 4 in the morning.   Then they would leave their dirty dishes in the sink for me to clean up the next morning. I asked them not to do this.  I even started leaving the dish washer clean and empty for them.  Nope didn’t help.  Still got up in the morning, and there were dirty dishes in my sink.   Now I charged these girls no rent, any of them.  They would help out and buy me dog food, and share groceries, sometimes in exchange for rent.  Sometimes I would find Juno washing D & K’s dishes, but never D or K. 

I usually run out of propane in the early spring and then again in the fall.  When the tank ran out, I told D&K since they were cooking in the house, I wanted them to give me $50 to help fill up my tank.  I told Juno and Kay the same thing.  Not much I thought as it usually takes $300-$500 to put propane in my tank.  D&K suddenly decided to cook in their trailer. 

D  also wanted to drive my car everywhere, and I let her.  Stupid me!  D had a huge SUV.  She wanted to drive my car, because it got better gas millage.  She comes in one day and starts talking about me putting her on the insurance.  I started getting the feeling I was being used, all over again.

I was getting to the end of my rope about that time.  I was just overwhelmed.  I was suicidal.  Juno was having trouble with D then too.  She could get no peace and quiet.  They just walked into her room when they damn well pleased, never knocked, even if the door was closed.  My final straw came when I found out D was talking smack about me to Juno, in my own fucking house.  Something so bad that Juno has never had the courage to tell me what she said. Oh no I’m not going to stand for that!  Bitch you free loading off me and you going to disrespect me in my own house.  Oh you can carry your ass! 

D had accused me of being a raciest.  Continually told me how dirty my house was.  She took it upon herself to tell me how I needed to run my life, on several occasions.  I felt at the time, she pushed me to put Perro down.  She tried to break up Juno and Kay.  Treated K like a dog and never lifted a fucking finger to help herself.  She made K do everything for her.  She used her like a fucking slave.  I got to the feeling that I just wanted to kick D ass to the curb. 

We tried to work things out.  It didn’t work.  I finally made a phone call to Rovena.  I told her I needed to have an emergency conference with her.  Juno and I both went out to meet with them.  We told the everything D was saying about them, behind their backs.  Then I told them what was going on in my house.   I said I need you to help me make a decision.  I did not want to be rash.  I said, I am considering asking D & K to leave.  What is your impression of them?  I will never forget Boogie saying, “I think she is a pathological liar. I don’t trust her any farther than I can throw her.  She’s a lazy bitch!”  I was bit taken aback by that.  I thanked them for their wise council and left.

I went to Tami a few days later, told her how D was treating me, and what I should do.  Tami said, “I would tell that bitch to bounce.”  After finally talking to Barb I made my decision to ask D&K to leave.  I told D, “Some friends just cannot live together.  You have two weeks to get out.”  It was my intention to ask D & K to leave, it was never my intention to ask Juno and Kay to leave as well. 

Juno was furious with me.  She spent hours yelling at me, telling me what a horrible person I was, what a bad pagan I was and that she had loved me like a mother.  That one really hurt.  She finally concluded with “If she goes, I’m going too.”  Juno did not speak another word to me, although it took two weeks for them to move all their stuff out, for more than 6 months.    

With Juno, Kay, D & K gone, and our relationship in shambles I felt I could not go back to Druid.  So for the first time in my life I became a solitary witch.  I had burned all my bridges.  I had been threw 2 covens, started and closed 2 more, and now felt I could not go back to Druid because of who was there.  For the first time in about 8 years I had no community to practice with.  I felt utterly alone.

As the girls drove out of the drive way, I looked at their empty room and decided I should paint it.  I would go with the Chinese theme that Jay loved so well.  I should give Jay back his room I though.  So I went down to the Lowe’s and bought me some red paint and black paint and started to work. 

What D didn’t know is that the day I asked her to leave, Jay and I received a large oil well check.  It felt like confirmation to me that I was doing the right thing.  The check would be enough to buy our food trailer and start the food business that we had always dreamed of Garson Du Bayou.  I means Boys of the Bayou in French. 

I never seem to stay out of trouble for long.  In October of 2013, Paige would come back into my life. 

Ilsa

 

 

The Girls

It has been our great pleasure over the last few years to watch over and care for Juno and Kay.  We often refer to them as “The Girls,” a misnomer as they are very capable young women.  I have over the last few years served as their High Priestess, their friend, a kind of aunt and at times a surrogate mother.  They are a great joy in my life.

Juno and Kay are from a far away land called Indiana.  I hear the summers there are quiet pleasant and rainy.  You can understand how for someone from Louisiana that sounds like a fairy story.  But I am assured this place is real.  I have after all seen it on a map, but as of yet have yet to journey there myself. 

Juno and Kay have been together for many years.  For a large percentage of their lives they have lived with Kay’s parents.  Kay’s stepfather became attached to Barksdale, and so they moved here to the hell that is Louisiana.  I often admire them for being an open couple, and living their truth, in the buckle of the Bible belt.  A place that can at times be very homophobic.  When Juno and Kay walk in the grocery store holding hands, people look at them hatefully.  Just makes me want to kick people’s asses!  You know that thing about Jesus tells us to love everyone, only applies to certain people, or so a lot of people around here feel.

In January 2013 we learned that Kay’s stepfather intended to retire, and return home to Indiana that Summer.  The girls were informed they were no longer welcome to live with their family.  If they returned to Indiana, they would have to do it on their own, and find their own place to live.  Jay and I graciously opened our home to them, as we knew they had no money to do such a thing.  As Tami was living in Momma Muriel’s house, I could not offer that to them.  They would be moving into our guest bedroom in the Summer, but until then the room had to be cleaned.  Our guestroom also functions as Jay’s man cave.  Juno and I chose paint colors.  The first time she had ever been able to do that in her life.  So our great plans were laid.

Juno, Kay and I began to worship with Rovena’s ADF grove at Imbolc 2013, and continued to hold our Holda’s Hand rituals here at my home.  Since I had been possessed two years before I had been studying books on how to Sit High Seat, or as the Wiccan’s say Drawing Down.  It was my hope to learn so this I might learn to control this ability, and that I would be able to teach Juno, so she could pull me out should something go wrong.  At our Holda’s Hands Imbolc 2013 I put myself in a semi-trance, half possessed state.  Pan came through again, and then the Mother.  I did not know until later, how bad I had scared Juno.  It greatly disturbed her.  I have never again tried to actively become possessed.  Jay hated me doing this work, but I persisted in my studying, after some time though I gave it up.   I have deiced that my mental health is already too fractured, I do not have the necessary training, and it upsets Jay too much.  I recently sold all of my books on the subject. 

So we rocked along.  Juno, Kay and I kind of stopped doing Holda’s Hands.  Goat Problems took up a lot of my time.  I’m sorry I have not talked about Jay a lot here.  My emotional adventures often overshadowed our lives and our relationship.  Jay was still working for Unifirst.  He had been with them for almost 3 years at this point.  Jay worked anywhere from 50 to 80 hours a week for salary, or basically for 40 hours worth of pay.  He worked in a panel truck, with no AC, that could easily reach over 120°F on a warm day, much worse on a summer’s day.  All of which we found out was perfectly legal, although we felt immoral.  Corporations’ could care less about their employees.  They are expendable and highly replaceable.  All they care about is their bottom line.    Jay was chronically sleep deprived.  He spent two nights a week away from me. 

In May of 2011 Jay went in for his yearly physical.  His blood work showed that his calcium levels were off.  We continued to do blood work on him threw out that summer.  It was finally decided that it was his parathyroid, and he should have it removed.  One of the things your parathyroid controls is how your body absorbs calcium.  In September of 2011 Jay had most of it removed.  It was many times larger than it should have been.  Other than that his life pretty much stayed the same, go to work, help me with my crazy, crash on the weekends, and then goes back to work. 

In July of 2013 Jay developed a pimple under his right arm.  We did not think much about it.  A few days after we popped that pimple he developed a mass the size of a softball.  It was hot and it hurt him.   We took him into our PCP.  Our Dr. took one look at it and said, “Jay you have a massive staph infection.”  We were quickly admitted to the hospital.  Jay would spend 5 or 6 days there.  They tried for two days with antibiotics to get it to go down, and it would not.  Finally he was taken into surgery to have it drained. It was over 30 cc’s. 

Jay was sent home on light duty, with drain tubes in his arm.  It was so gross.  I shiver just thinking about it, even now.  I had to change his dressing twice a day.  I was always terrified I would hurt him, or worse do it wrong and that it would come back.  A few weeks later he developed another pimple, on the same arm, only on his forearm this time.  In a few days it began to swell as well.   Jay went into his surgeon, who told him it was staph again.  He said that he could readmit him and drain this, or if he was tough enough he could cut it open, drain it, and pack it in the office.  Jay’s a tough old boy, so he chose the latter.  He said it was the worse pain that he had ever felt, and he’s been in three car wrecks.  He said the packing hurt the worse. 

We feel the second round of staph was left over from his first round.  Jay had been picking up dirty clothes from Flower’s bakery the week he first got staph.  It was a new stop for him.  We believe he picked up something there.  He had never had it before, and after stopping work on that particular route never had it again. 

Ilsa

Billy the Exterminator

At some point Melinda went home.  Tami still wanted to help Melinda, so she called in a few favors.  From her days at the Zoo, Tami knew the guys from “Billy the Exterminator,” she called and asked if they would be willing to spray Melinda’s house.  They agreed if they could film it.  Melinda went back and forth, yes, no, yes, no, okay with conditions.  Finally in the end, it was decided that it would be okay to shoot the house, but she would not be there.  If I wanted to be on TV so bad, then I would have to fill in for Melinda, and so I did.  Tami came along to do my makeup and as moral support.  So in September of 2012 we taped an episode for “Billy the Exterminator.”

Now I had been on and off the phone with Melinda all day, trying to make this happen.  At one point, she said she was going to lock the house, and not let anyone in.  I finally convinced her not to do that.  When we got on the set that day, one of the producers came up to me, and said Melinda had called them and left messages.  And I should listen to them, because they were about me.  I know my mind most of the time, and I knew to hear them would not be good.  I said, “ Once I hear them, I can’t unheard them,” so I asked Tami to listen to them for me.  She did and came back shaken up.  “They’re bad Ilsa.  They are really bad.”

 Melinda had left two messages, and in them basically threw me under the bus.  She had apparently told the producers, all about my mental health issues.  They didn’t need to know any of that. I felt betrayed.  After Tami told me, I looked at her and the producer and said, “I’m done with her after today.  I wash my hands of Melinda.” 

We had a wonderful day of shooting.  I really enjoyed Billy, but mostly I really fell in love with the crew.  My reward at the end of the day was a picture of me and Billy together, hot and tired, but having done a good job.  I made sure that everyone involved were respectful of Melinda’s home, and knew that she had placed curses on one of the gates, and not to go thru it.  Most of what you saw in the tape was correct, as far as the bugs were concerned.  What you do not know, is that kitchen had been cleaned at least three times, since the first night we had gone in with shovels.  No, it was not my rent house.    That was a lie we came up with, so it would seem plausible why I was there.

There were things that happened, after the taping of the show, that I was not aware of until later, when Tami told me.  Apparently a meeting was held of all those there, on whether to call CPS or not, because of the condition of the home, and once they understood a child lived there.  They decided against it.  They would later tell Tami, that they had never been in a filthier house. That in order to really attack her bug problem, the house should be tented.  There was also talk that the house should also be condemned. 

Jay picked me up from Melinda’s house and we went home.  I have never spoken to Melinda since then.  What few items she had left here I returned to her.  Including her belt for Holda’s Hands which I returned in pieces, just like my heart was.

It was close to Mabon at that point.  I picked up the phone and called the HP.  I wanted to find out what day Mabon was going to be celebrated, what time, and what they wanted me to bring for the feast afterward.  I told the HP all about what had happened with Melinda and I, that I was done with her, and that I wanted to come home.  Now I had watched others move in and out of the HP coven, even returning after spending long periods of time away.  Nothing was ever said about it.  I remember the HP being very angry with me.  I think she felt I had chosen my coven over hers.  She told me Melinda had disrespected her and her wife’s marriage.  Melinda had made inappropriate comments to her and apparently groped the HP’s wife.  I never understood all of why the HP was angry with me, and it has been a long time since that phone call, so please forgive my sketchy details.  Within a few days I received a Facebook message telling me that , they sent me forward in love and light, to cut and burn my cord and to never set foot back on their property again. 

I was devastated.  My coven had fractured because of Melinda and all her lies, and now I was being thrown out of my other spiritual home.  It was like those days after Momma Muriel had died.  I felt I would break apart.  I know now, years later that Holda was moving me ahead of the game, like a chess piece.  She was moving me ahead of things she did not want me involved in.  I am ever grateful for her wisdom and her protection.

Somehow we soldiered on.  Juno took it really hard.  She was still trying to play mediator and fix Melinda and I’s relationship.  She was trying to be friends with both, and it was hard on her.  Juno has always identified as a Druid.  I had known Boogie and Rovena for many years.  They were some of my oldest friends in the community, elders really.  So I rang up Rovena and asked what they were doing these days.  She told me she was running an ADF (Ar nDraiocht Fein) proto-grove.  I told her of Juno, and that I would like to bring her round.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was the only Druid in town.  And so one day we went. 

Ilsa