Dirty Laundry

There will be those of you who feel that I am airing my dirty laundry in public.  That I am telling family secrets, things that should stay secret.  That I have some kind of hidden agenda for my family.  Let me now lay all of this to rest.

Am I airing my dirty laundry in public?  That Is for you to decide.  But I can tell you this having been a house wife for most of my life.  That at some point dirty clothes start to stink.  And if you are not careful the wet ones will start to grow mold, make heat, and make you sick.  Honey at some point you’ve got to get yourself a box of wash powder and go to work!  It’s just the facts of the thing!

Yes I have dirty laundry.  Some of it is mine and some of it has belonged to other people over the years.  It has just been dumped in with mine.  I am now sorting thru what is mine, what’s  theirs and deciding what I can salvage, and what needs to simply be thrown out or burned with the trash. 

I sat down to write and put a few ideas on paper, for a few friends.  It has ended up being a book mainly about my life.  I have spent these last few months retelling these tales to yes warn you, to show you the goodness of the Gods and their affect in my life.  Yes I have set out to publicly humiliate a few people.  Those are the ones’ who’s full names I have listed in my works.  Because I could find no other way of ever getting justice for actions they did to me.  Others have had their names changed or only partially mentioned, as I am trying to protect them and those around them.  But I still want you to hear the story. 

In writing these stories, I have also been going thru old pictures.  I use the pictures to trigger old memories and remember what I was feeling back then.  I am trying to look for the origins, of why and when I began to feel anxiety about the world around me, and when I began to have my first panic attacks.  Writing this has been cathartic and therapeutic for me.  I have found there is not one beginning but many, like warp and weft when you weave.  It is all built upon each other.  Each strand having it’s own starting point, and an end point.  All of this lends itself to the final work.  It is my guess your stories will be similar in their mechanics. 

I learned long ago in 12 step programs that our secrets keep us sick.  And it is true.  To keep something secret, I feel in many ways poisons us and sets us up for illness in our life.  Since I left Mike I have vowed to tell the truth about life, and the whole truth.  Even if it hurt the ones around me, because I never wanted another person to suffer as I have, with abuse, being used or being repressed in such a way that their mind begins to betray them.  The way in which some people behave, to others they say the love or care for, should be criminal.  We must all learn to seek enlightenment and change how we treat our fellow beings.  Every day I wake up, I try to do better, to say I apologize when I am wrong, and to learn from not only my life experiences, but the experiences of others.  I think that is why it so important to listen to the stories of those around you.  You never know when it will become a teachable moment.  I am not perfect, I never have been and I never will be.  I have my flaws and inconstancies just like anyone else. 

I have no hidden agenda in my writing about the people in my life.  My father will never enter AA.  My mother will never have a clue.  Michael Liberto will never apologize for what he did to me.  Paige will never give me Jelly back.  And I hold no hope that any of the above will ever happen.  I have not written all of this, to force them into anything of the sort.  These ships have long since sailed.  No matter how much I may desire such a thing, I have long ago had to give up hope that any of these people will ever change their ways. I must accept my responsibility in each and every thing that has happened in my life.   I must accept each person in my life where they are.  I have encouraged them where I can.  And in many cases I have moved on.

I recently received a message from D.  She wished to speak with me and apologize. And also to let me know, where I misconstrued some of the things that happened between us.  I know her.  She is a snake.  Trying to slither back into my life and convince me, that the truth as I understand it is flawed.  I hear her rattles and know enough to stand my ground, so as not to be struck again.

I decided early on, that should I have people come back to me, and wish to revise MY truth that I would not allow them.  You cannot speak for me!  You cannot interpret the world for me!  This is my truth as I have experienced it.  No one can experience my life for me.  The way we interpret our lives is filtered through a life time of experiences, good or bad.  No one has the right to come to you and say, “I am sorry, but the way you understand what happened is wrong.”  They will have their own way of seeing their life, and it will not be the same as yours.  Our culture, the period of time we lived threw, those around us, our demographics, our gender, hell even our religion plays a part in the way we color our world. 

So in conclusion, no one has the right to tell you that, how you understand your world is wrong.  We are all different and we will all see our lives thru our own lens.  You have every right to feel and believe the way you do, even if someone believes it is wrong.  Keep writing, keep talking and keep fighting.  You will get thru this. 

Ilsa

 

 

A Visit with Juno

A few days after I threw out Paige, I went to visit with Juno.  Oh it was so good to see her face!  I just embraced her.  We both just cried.  We sat and drank tea, while she told me what had happened to them since they had moved.  They had lived with D & K for over 6 months, in some really scary neighborhoods.  It took her a bit to see what I had seen in D.  She said, “You were right.  I just didn’t want to see it.”  D ended up using Juno like a slave.  Juno and Kay had decided they had to get out.  They saved up their money and gotten a little rent trailer.  It was tiny, but it was theirs.  It was the first place they had lived all by themselves.

Juno told me that after our fight, she believed I would never speak to her again.  She had a flashback during part of the fight and did not remember what she had said.  I reminded her.  She said, “I’m surprised you even want to talk to me after that.”  I assured her I knew she had been under D’s influence and had not been herself that day. 

I asked if D & K were still attending Druid.  Juno confirmed they were not.  I asked if it would be okay with her if I began to attend again.  She said that would be up to me.  I celebrated Beltane 2014 with my Druid group.  It was my first ritual since Mabon, more than 6 months before.  It felt so good.  It felt like home.

I continued that summer to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, recover from Paige, and from Punka’s death.  One night in July I was in the tub when Tami came in the door.  She was holding the most beautiful little black and tan Dachshund.  She had been working at the Bossier Animal Control that day and someone had brought him in.  They turned him in because he had eaten a pair of headphones.  I told him it was the best thing they had ever done.  They were full at the time, and were having to put dogs down.  So Tami had snatched him up, because she knew he would be perfect for our family.  “He looks like a Scooter to me,” I said.  And so it was that Scooter entered our lives.

Jay had been working for Unifirst for almost 5 years at that point.  We both wanted him out of that job so bad.  One warm day, I think it was in the upper 80’s, Jay called me and did not sound right.  He was exhausted and hot. He had stopped sweating and was slurring his words.  I knew he was in danger.  I told him to get off the road, and into some AC and cool off.  Jay was heat exhausted and was close to having a heat stroke.  I made him tell me where he was.  He was somewhere at a stop in Arkansas.  I told him if he did not get in some AC I was going to call 911 and get the first responders to him.  He promised me he would. 

I hung up with him and called his boss and told him what was going on.  I called back and Jay was safe and cooling off.  It was enough to scare both of us.  I told him I didn’t care if we went broke, I wanted him to find a new job, even if it was for less money.  His job was not worth his health or his life.

Tami would buy her first home in August of 2014, and move out of Momma Muriel’s house.  I was honored when she told me one of the reasons they were staying in Louisiana was to be close to me.  They chose a home about 10 miles from me.  I can be to her house in about 15 minutes.  As we could not figure out how to move Mr. Henry, the pot bellied pig, without traumatizing him, Tami gave him to me and he stayed here.  She comes to visit him and bring him treats often. 

In September Jay had to go in for his DOTD physical.  He struck up a conversation with the male medical assistant there, Robert.  Jay just happened to mention that he was trained as a medical assistant, but had been unable to find work in his field.  Robert told Jay they were hiring, and looking for a male medical assistant.  He ran to get his supervisor and introduce her to Jay.  Jay was hired a few weeks later.  Jay has never been happier! 

Jay gave his two weeks at Unifirst.  We decided for Samhain to take a vacation and go to south Texas and visit with my Druid buddies, Mother Marie, Mother Gloria and Father Dave.  Hell after the last few years we needed a break.  Tami looked after the farm for us.  We had the best time.  They are still talking about our cooking down there.  I told Mother Gloria about my trip on Marijuana, and about not wanting to be possessed by the Gods again.  She warded me and that warding has held.  I have not been taken by the Gods since December of 2013.  It is my hope that it will not happen again.  I think my mind is too fragile at this point.

On December 2^nd, 2014 Paige left my parents house.  I meet with Mom for the first time in two and a half years on December 7^th.  Two days later Mom had a stroke.  She still thinks it had to do with all the stress she was under with Paige.

Tami called me in December and told me she was having trouble with Lu-Lu and Pippy.  Both of them kept getting out of the gate and terrorizing the neighborhood.  She had asked me to take them before, but I was never ready.  We both weren’t.  I think we were both ready this time.  So close to Christmas we added Lu-Lu, a 10 year old Chihuahua, and Pippy, a 4 year old black and white mutt, into our pack.  They are very happy here.  Pippy is quite a kisser, and loves to play with Scooter.  Lu-Lu is a primadonna and Sophia’s BFF. 

Juno had told me she had never really had a Christmas, so Jay and I decided to give her one.  I had so much fun shopping for them.  It is one of my favorite Christmases’ so far, and much better than the Christmas I had spent the year before. 

Jay had started his new job in November.  We knew we would have to spend 90 days or so without insurance. We stocked up our meds as best we could, and prepared to make it through.  Thank gods for the oil well checks.  When it came time to buy my two depression meds at, $250 and $800, a bottle we obviously could not afford it. 

I made the decision to get off of my meds, for the first time in at least 10 years.  We buckled down and prepared for the worst.  What happened next we did not expect.  I began to feel better.  I was not sleeping 17 hours a day anymore.  I was not so fuzzy.  Jay and I’s love relationship got better.  I had been having problems for at least a year.  I figured, as in all things, that I was to blame and it was just all in my head.  I had had so many Dr’s tell me that, I started to believe it.  Turns out it was the meds.  I think I had been overmedicated for a long time.  I started to feel so good, I began sewing again.  Something I had not done in a long time. 

My life was finally starting to get better.  Jay was no longer exhausted all the time.  He was only working 40 hours a week.  He was not in that hot truck.  He would come home singing.  Then he would start cooking and doing clothes.  I was overjoyed to see him so happy.

In February of 2015 Juno wanted to get a service dog, to help with her mental problems.  The people in her trailer park began to give her trouble as to size and breed.  She would find a dog, and then try to talk to them about getting said dog and by the time they got back to her the dog would not be available anymore.  Then they wanted to charge them more rent because of this new dog.  Juno and I were talking one day over lunch and I said, “I will have to check with Jay, but why don’t you and Kay move out to Momma Muriel’s trailer.  You would have lots of room, and could have any dog you wanted.”  Juno and Kay moved out here the first part of April. 

Ilsa

 

 

Pagan Commune

So the girls move in to the back bedroom in July of 2013.  A few weeks later D & K move in to a little trailer out back of the house.  Now forgive me, I know I am repeating myself.  I have covered a lot of this in Becoming Druid.  But I will cover it again for those of you who might not have read that article yet.  Hopefully I can shed some new light on things, I forgot to tell you the first go round.

I met D & K in our Druid group.  In about May or June they really began to attach themselves to me.  Why Gods always me!  Sometimes all 5 of us, Juno, Kay, me, D & K would hang out together.  Sometimes it would just be D & K and me.  They found out that I could sew and they told me they wanted robes. I told them if they bought the material, I would make the outfits for them, and they did.  I became their sewing fool.  I know I made two robes, at least one cloak, and a bag in the span of a few weeks. 

So we are all hanging out and getting on pretty well.  D & K tell us they don’t like the way things are going with the protogrove.  They have problems with Rovena.  D feels she is racist, because she dismisses her good ideas.  D is African-American.  I admit that I am not feeling particularly spiritually fulfilled at this point.  Somewhere in here we began to talk about putting Holda’s Hands back together. 

D comes to me one day and says that she has thrown out her husband (basically a friend she legal married) and their other roommate, not K.  I think she gave me some sob story about how was she going to afford everything.  She was going to school on line and cutting grass for a living.  She was living in a trailer, she owned, not far from my house.  She says she is going to rent out the trailer to make money.  Her mother owns a rent house in the hood and she does not want to go back to live in it.  She asks, if she buys a little trailer can she put it on my land. 

Me, ever wanting to please, ever wanting to make and gather family around me, says yes.  I never thought to say, “Well let me consult with Jay first.”  Yeh I’ve been a bitch like that.  I have had to eat crow and apologize to Jay a lot about things like this.  I think I often unwillingly and unconsciously make his life difficult sometimes, and I am very sorry about that.  I apologize to him frequently about all this stuff, more so since I have started writing my truth again.  Still he loves me through it all.  I will never deserve him.  For a long time I felt that just us living here, on this land, and us living by ourselves, with our farm and our animals was not enough.  I wanted to add people to our tribe, to make almost like a pagan commune.  For a few months in 2013 that’s exactly what I had, and it didn’t take long for that to wear pretty thin. 

By the Fall of 2013 six of us were sharing my little trailer.  The girl and D & K kept much different hours then Jay and I did.  They are also half our age as well.  Internet access became a big thing out here.  Most of them had not lived without it in a long time.  D had to have it for school.  She was in school on line, but K did all her homework for her.  What terrifies me is soon D will graduate with a degree in psychology.  The fact she is controlling and manipulative to almost everyone in her life scares me, and I think it should scare others. 

All 4 of them would leave and take off and go to Wendy’s for hours at a time.  When we were finally able to get satellite internet here, they would all congregate in Juno and Kay’s room.  They would leave me out here in the rest of the house.  There was literally nowhere for me to sit in there, so much of the conversations I missed.  I began to feel they were excluding me from their little club.  Childish, right? 

One of the things that really irked me was that Jay and I would cook dinner, clean the kitchen and go to bed.  D&K who had cooking facilities in their trailer, would come in and cook in my house at 10 or 11 o’clock at night, making lots of noise while we were trying to sleep.   Jay often had to get up at 4 in the morning.   Then they would leave their dirty dishes in the sink for me to clean up the next morning. I asked them not to do this.  I even started leaving the dish washer clean and empty for them.  Nope didn’t help.  Still got up in the morning, and there were dirty dishes in my sink.   Now I charged these girls no rent, any of them.  They would help out and buy me dog food, and share groceries, sometimes in exchange for rent.  Sometimes I would find Juno washing D & K’s dishes, but never D or K. 

I usually run out of propane in the early spring and then again in the fall.  When the tank ran out, I told D&K since they were cooking in the house, I wanted them to give me $50 to help fill up my tank.  I told Juno and Kay the same thing.  Not much I thought as it usually takes $300-$500 to put propane in my tank.  D&K suddenly decided to cook in their trailer. 

D  also wanted to drive my car everywhere, and I let her.  Stupid me!  D had a huge SUV.  She wanted to drive my car, because it got better gas millage.  She comes in one day and starts talking about me putting her on the insurance.  I started getting the feeling I was being used, all over again.

I was getting to the end of my rope about that time.  I was just overwhelmed.  I was suicidal.  Juno was having trouble with D then too.  She could get no peace and quiet.  They just walked into her room when they damn well pleased, never knocked, even if the door was closed.  My final straw came when I found out D was talking smack about me to Juno, in my own fucking house.  Something so bad that Juno has never had the courage to tell me what she said. Oh no I’m not going to stand for that!  Bitch you free loading off me and you going to disrespect me in my own house.  Oh you can carry your ass! 

D had accused me of being a raciest.  Continually told me how dirty my house was.  She took it upon herself to tell me how I needed to run my life, on several occasions.  I felt at the time, she pushed me to put Perro down.  She tried to break up Juno and Kay.  Treated K like a dog and never lifted a fucking finger to help herself.  She made K do everything for her.  She used her like a fucking slave.  I got to the feeling that I just wanted to kick D ass to the curb. 

We tried to work things out.  It didn’t work.  I finally made a phone call to Rovena.  I told her I needed to have an emergency conference with her.  Juno and I both went out to meet with them.  We told the everything D was saying about them, behind their backs.  Then I told them what was going on in my house.   I said I need you to help me make a decision.  I did not want to be rash.  I said, I am considering asking D & K to leave.  What is your impression of them?  I will never forget Boogie saying, “I think she is a pathological liar. I don’t trust her any farther than I can throw her.  She’s a lazy bitch!”  I was bit taken aback by that.  I thanked them for their wise council and left.

I went to Tami a few days later, told her how D was treating me, and what I should do.  Tami said, “I would tell that bitch to bounce.”  After finally talking to Barb I made my decision to ask D&K to leave.  I told D, “Some friends just cannot live together.  You have two weeks to get out.”  It was my intention to ask D & K to leave, it was never my intention to ask Juno and Kay to leave as well. 

Juno was furious with me.  She spent hours yelling at me, telling me what a horrible person I was, what a bad pagan I was and that she had loved me like a mother.  That one really hurt.  She finally concluded with “If she goes, I’m going too.”  Juno did not speak another word to me, although it took two weeks for them to move all their stuff out, for more than 6 months.    

With Juno, Kay, D & K gone, and our relationship in shambles I felt I could not go back to Druid.  So for the first time in my life I became a solitary witch.  I had burned all my bridges.  I had been threw 2 covens, started and closed 2 more, and now felt I could not go back to Druid because of who was there.  For the first time in about 8 years I had no community to practice with.  I felt utterly alone.

As the girls drove out of the drive way, I looked at their empty room and decided I should paint it.  I would go with the Chinese theme that Jay loved so well.  I should give Jay back his room I though.  So I went down to the Lowe’s and bought me some red paint and black paint and started to work. 

What D didn’t know is that the day I asked her to leave, Jay and I received a large oil well check.  It felt like confirmation to me that I was doing the right thing.  The check would be enough to buy our food trailer and start the food business that we had always dreamed of Garson Du Bayou.  I means Boys of the Bayou in French. 

I never seem to stay out of trouble for long.  In October of 2013, Paige would come back into my life. 

Ilsa