A Visit with Juno

A few days after I threw out Paige, I went to visit with Juno.  Oh it was so good to see her face!  I just embraced her.  We both just cried.  We sat and drank tea, while she told me what had happened to them since they had moved.  They had lived with D & K for over 6 months, in some really scary neighborhoods.  It took her a bit to see what I had seen in D.  She said, “You were right.  I just didn’t want to see it.”  D ended up using Juno like a slave.  Juno and Kay had decided they had to get out.  They saved up their money and gotten a little rent trailer.  It was tiny, but it was theirs.  It was the first place they had lived all by themselves.

Juno told me that after our fight, she believed I would never speak to her again.  She had a flashback during part of the fight and did not remember what she had said.  I reminded her.  She said, “I’m surprised you even want to talk to me after that.”  I assured her I knew she had been under D’s influence and had not been herself that day. 

I asked if D & K were still attending Druid.  Juno confirmed they were not.  I asked if it would be okay with her if I began to attend again.  She said that would be up to me.  I celebrated Beltane 2014 with my Druid group.  It was my first ritual since Mabon, more than 6 months before.  It felt so good.  It felt like home.

I continued that summer to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, recover from Paige, and from Punka’s death.  One night in July I was in the tub when Tami came in the door.  She was holding the most beautiful little black and tan Dachshund.  She had been working at the Bossier Animal Control that day and someone had brought him in.  They turned him in because he had eaten a pair of headphones.  I told him it was the best thing they had ever done.  They were full at the time, and were having to put dogs down.  So Tami had snatched him up, because she knew he would be perfect for our family.  “He looks like a Scooter to me,” I said.  And so it was that Scooter entered our lives.

Jay had been working for Unifirst for almost 5 years at that point.  We both wanted him out of that job so bad.  One warm day, I think it was in the upper 80’s, Jay called me and did not sound right.  He was exhausted and hot. He had stopped sweating and was slurring his words.  I knew he was in danger.  I told him to get off the road, and into some AC and cool off.  Jay was heat exhausted and was close to having a heat stroke.  I made him tell me where he was.  He was somewhere at a stop in Arkansas.  I told him if he did not get in some AC I was going to call 911 and get the first responders to him.  He promised me he would. 

I hung up with him and called his boss and told him what was going on.  I called back and Jay was safe and cooling off.  It was enough to scare both of us.  I told him I didn’t care if we went broke, I wanted him to find a new job, even if it was for less money.  His job was not worth his health or his life.

Tami would buy her first home in August of 2014, and move out of Momma Muriel’s house.  I was honored when she told me one of the reasons they were staying in Louisiana was to be close to me.  They chose a home about 10 miles from me.  I can be to her house in about 15 minutes.  As we could not figure out how to move Mr. Henry, the pot bellied pig, without traumatizing him, Tami gave him to me and he stayed here.  She comes to visit him and bring him treats often. 

In September Jay had to go in for his DOTD physical.  He struck up a conversation with the male medical assistant there, Robert.  Jay just happened to mention that he was trained as a medical assistant, but had been unable to find work in his field.  Robert told Jay they were hiring, and looking for a male medical assistant.  He ran to get his supervisor and introduce her to Jay.  Jay was hired a few weeks later.  Jay has never been happier! 

Jay gave his two weeks at Unifirst.  We decided for Samhain to take a vacation and go to south Texas and visit with my Druid buddies, Mother Marie, Mother Gloria and Father Dave.  Hell after the last few years we needed a break.  Tami looked after the farm for us.  We had the best time.  They are still talking about our cooking down there.  I told Mother Gloria about my trip on Marijuana, and about not wanting to be possessed by the Gods again.  She warded me and that warding has held.  I have not been taken by the Gods since December of 2013.  It is my hope that it will not happen again.  I think my mind is too fragile at this point.

On December 2^nd, 2014 Paige left my parents house.  I meet with Mom for the first time in two and a half years on December 7^th.  Two days later Mom had a stroke.  She still thinks it had to do with all the stress she was under with Paige.

Tami called me in December and told me she was having trouble with Lu-Lu and Pippy.  Both of them kept getting out of the gate and terrorizing the neighborhood.  She had asked me to take them before, but I was never ready.  We both weren’t.  I think we were both ready this time.  So close to Christmas we added Lu-Lu, a 10 year old Chihuahua, and Pippy, a 4 year old black and white mutt, into our pack.  They are very happy here.  Pippy is quite a kisser, and loves to play with Scooter.  Lu-Lu is a primadonna and Sophia’s BFF. 

Juno had told me she had never really had a Christmas, so Jay and I decided to give her one.  I had so much fun shopping for them.  It is one of my favorite Christmases’ so far, and much better than the Christmas I had spent the year before. 

Jay had started his new job in November.  We knew we would have to spend 90 days or so without insurance. We stocked up our meds as best we could, and prepared to make it through.  Thank gods for the oil well checks.  When it came time to buy my two depression meds at, $250 and $800, a bottle we obviously could not afford it. 

I made the decision to get off of my meds, for the first time in at least 10 years.  We buckled down and prepared for the worst.  What happened next we did not expect.  I began to feel better.  I was not sleeping 17 hours a day anymore.  I was not so fuzzy.  Jay and I’s love relationship got better.  I had been having problems for at least a year.  I figured, as in all things, that I was to blame and it was just all in my head.  I had had so many Dr’s tell me that, I started to believe it.  Turns out it was the meds.  I think I had been overmedicated for a long time.  I started to feel so good, I began sewing again.  Something I had not done in a long time. 

My life was finally starting to get better.  Jay was no longer exhausted all the time.  He was only working 40 hours a week.  He was not in that hot truck.  He would come home singing.  Then he would start cooking and doing clothes.  I was overjoyed to see him so happy.

In February of 2015 Juno wanted to get a service dog, to help with her mental problems.  The people in her trailer park began to give her trouble as to size and breed.  She would find a dog, and then try to talk to them about getting said dog and by the time they got back to her the dog would not be available anymore.  Then they wanted to charge them more rent because of this new dog.  Juno and I were talking one day over lunch and I said, “I will have to check with Jay, but why don’t you and Kay move out to Momma Muriel’s trailer.  You would have lots of room, and could have any dog you wanted.”  Juno and Kay moved out here the first part of April. 

Ilsa

 

 

Goodbye Paige

I would watch Paige use men, and be used by them.  She brought one home named Kevin.  He stayed with us for a week.  Telling us he was going to remodel our bathroom for room and board.  We said that was great.  He tore apart my bathroom, and in the end stole over $1000 worth of tools from us.  When a person tells you that they are a 5 time felon, with warrants out for their arrest, and that they have stole in the past.  Believe them, and don’t let them in your house!  I had no idea until after he left that she had only been texting him for about 3 days before they met and shagged for the first time, or that he had been homeless.  He also seems to have had a drug problem.  He would take Paige’s car, at that point still legally my car, and disappear for hours at night.

The night Kevin left and we discovered everything that was missing, we of course called the cops.  Paige just laid in her room.  We met with the cop on the front porch, we were scared if he came in the house he would smell weed.  We hid that too.  We knew Paige had warrants out for her, because of old speeding tickets.  I did not want the cop to take her.  Finally he said, “I want to talk to her.”  He agreed he would take her in for her old warrants.  I went in to Paige who was laying in the room feeling sorry for herself, and told her to come out.   She refused.  I went out to the cop and told her she refused.  He said, “Either she comes out or I’m going in to get her.”  He believed her to be an accomplice in all of this, and she may very well have been.  I don’t know.  I went back and finally got her to come out.  Paige could be a hateful bitch, and gods was she one that night. 

The cop was polite to her and she was downright hateful, not mean, not rude, but downright hateful.  I have a problem with people who hate cops, since Jay’s Grandfather, Great-Grandfather, and Great Uncle were all police officers.  Given my history with Melinda and Paige, I have come to believe people who hate police, often have something to hide.

The Police officer asked for her birthday and full name.  She refused to give both.  Finally he told her, “Mam’ either you give me your birthday or I will hall you in for obstruction.”  Since I did not want that to happen, I told him both.  I should have let him take her.  Would have saved me so much trouble, but I didn’t.  Paige gave me this “go to hell” look, like you would not believe.  Didn’t she understand I was trying to save her???  She was mad at me for days after that.  They never did find our stuff or Kevin for that matter.  When I called the police later to discuss how the investigation was going, they told me they would also like to give me the number for Jerry Springer, because of how fucked up this shit was.

The next man she brought in, a few days later, was Vincent Stumblingbear. I will never forget him or his name.  He was a terrible drunk.  We went two rounds with him.  He promised to fix our bathroom for room and board as well.  We were hesitant, but said yes anyways.  He did lay most of the floor. I think he stayed a week.  Oh they were in love and they were going to get married.  Vincent was Native American.  Paige knew nothing of native peoples. She often insulted him and I had to correct her.  She told Vincent, “When we get married, why don’t you wear your regalia?” Which was totally insulting to him, regalia is for rituals and pow-wow, it is not a Halloween costume.  He and I both had to explain how insulting it was. Vincent had taken a shine to me, but then many of her fellows did. 

Vincent had only been here a few days when we came to understand he had a serious drinking problem.  One night he drank 2 fifths of vodka, another bottle of some purple liquid stuff that was not quite a fifth, and something else.  And he was still upright the next morning, when we found him.  He’d been wandering the woods all night long.  He had never been to bed.  Paige and him fought and he tried to hit her.  He stopped just in time.  It was enough to terrify me. 

Jay and I told Paige we wanted him gone, and he left.  But he would not stop calling.  Vincent promised to be a good boy, if he could come back, ‘cause he just loved Paige so much.  I begged Jay and finally he said yes.  I never told Jay about Vincent trying to hit Paige.  Jay told me later, if he had know that had happened, he would have never let him come back here. 

I told Vincent he could come back, but no alcohol.  I bought him beads to keep him busy.  I know that sounds condescending, but Vincent was a wonderful beadier and had been building regalia for years to support himself.  Vincent came back and made it 3 days with us.  He literally walked away.  He walked from my house, to the interstate, many miles away, and either caught a ride or walked back to his home more than an hour away. 

He showed back up a few days later, for his things.  Vincent, like many of Paige’s men, had a thing for me.  Many of her boyfriends, and I use that term loosely, thought Paige and I were a couple, and that they would get to fuck us both.  Vincent had proposed marriage to me at least twice.  I remained firm that I was happy where I was.  When he came to get his things, Paige was not here.  He hugged me a little too tight, and proposed to me again. 

I had been chopping vegetables when he came in.  When he left I grabbed a knife and ran and hid in the closet.  I flew into a panic attack and stayed in it, for what felt like hours. My pills did not help me that time.  I think I stayed in the closet until Paige found me like that, about two hours later.  Sorry my memory is a little fuzzy there.

In April of 2014, I would be robbed, proposed to twice and two old friends would come back into my life. Marie, you can read about her here in the last little bit, had messaged me on Facebook.  I had not seen her in a very long time.  I went to visit with her and when I came home, Paige was belligerent to me.  Telling me to get in the house and start doing house work.  She said, “I let you go and visit that woman.”  I was thinking, “Excuse me!  You let me!  Who the fuck do you think you are?”  but I said nothing as usual. 

Juno had messaged me a few days after Marie had, telling me I had been right about D & K all the time.  She said that she and Kay had a new home, they wanted to see me, and she was desperately sorry for what had happened between us.  I never expected that message.  I anxiously wanted to see her. 

When I got Juno’s message, I remember looking up from the phone at Paige and thinking, “I have my friends back now.  It’s time for you to leave bitch!”  The final straw came for me when one day she was mean to Tami.  Like I have told you before, you can do what you want to me, but when you start messing with friends, that’s it. I watched her fight with Tami.  I walked in the house to cool off and gather my thoughts.  I walked back out and let Paige have it.  I still don’t remember what I said to her.

Jay and I had no idea how to get her out of the house.  We knew she had nowhere to live, very little money, and that when she left there was a possibility she would take Jelly with her.  She and Jelly had become tight again, in the time she lived here.  I did not have the courage to tell her to get out, that I didn’t care what happened to her, and that she was not taking Jelly.  I wish to the Gods now I had.

Not long after our fight she began to date Dave, who worked in the café up the street.  The day after their first date he fell and broke his leg.  She came to me and said, “Dave fell and broke his leg.  I am going to go move in with him and take care of him.”  She did.  We called her soon after and said, we hoped the move would be permanent for her, and that she should come and get her stuff very soon.  She took Jelly with her. 

When Jay bought my new car in February of 2014 I had promised Paige my car. She had been driving it, for some time.  She had even started repairing it.  I saw Paige one more time, the day I sold her my car.  Jelly was I the back window.  It would be the last time I would ever see her.

Paige lived with Dave until September of 2014, when he threw her out.  She then went back to live with my parents.  They would spend over $3000 trying to help her out.   I was still not speaking to my mother at that time.  The whole time Jay had been begging me to go and get Jelly.  I said, “No.”  I was afraid of Paige that she would not give her back to us.  If she called the cops, I believed they would side with her.  Mom and Dad asked her to leave in December 2014.  She and I were still Facebook friends.  I got good and drunk one night, and told her what a bitch and what a slut she was.  I told her the only reason I was still friends with her on Facebook, was so I could keep tabs on Jelly.  She blocked me the next day.

Ten months later I have no idea where Paige is.  I have no idea if Jelly is alive or dead.  Many nights I kick myself.  I have no idea if Jelly is cold or hungry, no idea if she is being loved or has been passed off to someone else.  I wonder if she hates me?  If she goes to bed every night thinking her Momma gave her away?  Does she thinks she is bad or that she did something wrong?  I have no idea.  You have no idea how I weep for this child, or the guilt that consumes me because I would not fight for her.  I have finally had to give her to the Goddess.  I have begun lately to think of her as dead, and greave for her.  I have no way to tell her how sorry I am.  I may have to wait a lifetime, before I will ever find out what happened to her. I have tried to search for Paige on Facebook, so that I might poke around her page and check on Jelly.  But she seems to have left Facebook all together.  Even if I am not logged into Facebook I cannot find her. 

So you’ve got to be asking yourselves why does she telling me all these stories.  As I’ve written this timeline sequence I’ve asked myself the same thing.  I think I keep telling these tales not as a woe-is-me tale, but a warning to not be like me.  To stand up and fight for yourself, even if that means you might get knocked down by the consequences.  Mike, Mike D., Melinda, D and Paige, even Perro, all have taught me major lessons in life.  I think the biggest one is that you can’t save everyone.  You are not the Goddess!  It is not your job in life to take her place and try and save people.  My life has taught me, if you find someone you think you can help, DON’T!  You are impeding on the Goddesses work.  If you help them, they will never learn.  Yes you can save animals, you can save the rainforest, and you can save the earth, but you can’t save people.  They have to save themselves.  What you are trying to save them from is life lessons.  If the baby doesn’t fall, it never learns to walk.

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.  I have had to learn to lock my heart away, and only let it out after a while.  With all of these people who have used me, you have to remember, I let them.  I have watched myself over the years go from being warm, bubby and gregarious to everyone I meet, to being slightly paranoid to meet anyone.  I have become hesitant of going out and slightly terrified crowds.  I have no idea if I make a new friend, when and if they will be the next to try and hurt me.  Everytime it happens, Jay and I sit in our little house and say, “Never again!  We will never help anyone else again!”

It sounds cruel, but you have to learn to protect yourself.  You don’t have to give away everything for your friends to like you.  They should like you for you, rich or poor.  If they don’t they are not worth your friendship.

Ilsa

Under her thumb

In December of 2013 Jay and I bought our food trailer, and started our business Garson Du Bayou.  It means Boys of the Bayou in French. We entered into a partnership with Jay’s BFF.  Paige could not stand him.  She basically hated anyone I loved. Paige was totally against the business.  She was not fond of Jay’s cooking.  Everyone loves Jay’s cooking.  I think Paige was just hell bent to destroy anything that was good in my life.  I wonder if her plan all along was to make me as miserable as she was?

We started cleaning out the food truck, and getting it ready.  We decided our first test run event would be Mardi Gras in February. The night before our first event Punka got sick.  She developed a huge bubble on the side of her face.  We took her into the Emergency Vet.  I pray you never have to go there.  After many hours they told us that they believed she had been bitten by something, and that is what had caused the swelling.  It was kind of odd, since she had not been outside that day.  She had been sleeping at my feet all day.  They told us if her condition changed to come in. 

The next day the swelling had moved to under her throat.  Paige offered to stay home with her, while we did our event.  The next morning I would move over Punka’s heart.  She could not drink water and she was having trouble breathing.  We rushed her back into the vet’s office.  We were told she was in congestive heart failure.  The bubble they thought was from a bit or sting, was actually fluid, and not it was impeding her heart function.  We left her there to see if her condition would improve.  In conversations with the Vet, we learned that this would be the end for Punka.  This problem would never go away and she might get a little better, but we would be coming back to this point again and again.  I could not let her live like that. 

I talked with the vet, with Paige, and with Jay, and we decided to put her down.  We went back to the Emergency Vet’s office and waited 3 hours, until we could be seen.  I almost lost my nerve several times.  Punka died in our arms on February 23^rd, 2014.  We buried her the next day in Holda’s Well.

I have a little sacred spot on my property right outside my bedroom.  When I raise up out of bed in the morning, it is the first thing I see.  We have a fountain and a bricked area. The old timers will tell you to make a spell strong you have to add a bit of yourself to it, so you use blood, spit or urine.  I had peed Punka at this spot one day and then me.  We had both given of ourselves, so it seemed like a good spot.  We used some scalloped edging corners to make a 2 x 2 square on the ground.  In the middle we put bricks with holes in them, so anything poured in this spot would go down to the ground.  We added dirt from a sacred Holda site in Pennsylvania.  I will go out and give Holda’s well offerings of alcohol, food, coffee, milk, whatever. Punka was my familure. When she died, I could think of no better offering to give Holda, then my fur child.  No better place for her to rest, but a place she and I had built together.  So we opened up Holda’s well, and laid Punka to rest in there.  Every morning her little grave is the first thing I see. 

 In early March 2014 Paige called me out.  She said, “Ten years ago you used to be feisty and vivacious!  What happened to you?”  I thought ten years ago I was in OA and working out.  I decided to go back.  I became abstinent very quickly, got off sugar, began to work out and lost 30lb.  I would gain it back as quickly as I lost it, and never lose another pound while I was in program.  I quit OA right before my one year anniversary.  After hearing one day in the rooms, the reason I was not losing weight was I was not close enough to my god.  If it works for you, that’s good.  I wish you luck.

Paige would get this attitude with me anytime I tried to go to a meeting or go workout.  She seemed to be jealousy of anything I did for myself.   She told me, don’t need to go work out at a gym.  You could lose weight by doing house work if you really tried. 

On my birthday Tami, and my friend Jenny held a birthday party for me.  Paige wanted me all to herself.  She was very jealous anytime I spent time with my other friends.  Tami and Jenny both offered to beat Paige up for me.  They were deadly serious.  They tried to convince me that Paige was controlling me.  My friends had told me, Jay had told me, but I was still fiercely loyal to her.  I felt she was helping me.  I was not listening to reason at that point.  I am blessed to have friends who so loved me and wanted what was best for me, even if I was under Paige’s thumb.  Tami said, “I just don’t like the way she talks to you.”

Tami was still living out here in Momma Muriel’s house at that time.  I told Paige that when Tami moved, she could move in.  Paige tried to convince me one day to give her the deed to Momma Muriel’s house, so that she could raise Tami’s rent to about $800 dollars.  I told her, “No.”  Oh Paige did not like that, but then she never liked it when I asserted myself to her.

Ilsa

 

 

Pagan Commune

So the girls move in to the back bedroom in July of 2013.  A few weeks later D & K move in to a little trailer out back of the house.  Now forgive me, I know I am repeating myself.  I have covered a lot of this in Becoming Druid.  But I will cover it again for those of you who might not have read that article yet.  Hopefully I can shed some new light on things, I forgot to tell you the first go round.

I met D & K in our Druid group.  In about May or June they really began to attach themselves to me.  Why Gods always me!  Sometimes all 5 of us, Juno, Kay, me, D & K would hang out together.  Sometimes it would just be D & K and me.  They found out that I could sew and they told me they wanted robes. I told them if they bought the material, I would make the outfits for them, and they did.  I became their sewing fool.  I know I made two robes, at least one cloak, and a bag in the span of a few weeks. 

So we are all hanging out and getting on pretty well.  D & K tell us they don’t like the way things are going with the protogrove.  They have problems with Rovena.  D feels she is racist, because she dismisses her good ideas.  D is African-American.  I admit that I am not feeling particularly spiritually fulfilled at this point.  Somewhere in here we began to talk about putting Holda’s Hands back together. 

D comes to me one day and says that she has thrown out her husband (basically a friend she legal married) and their other roommate, not K.  I think she gave me some sob story about how was she going to afford everything.  She was going to school on line and cutting grass for a living.  She was living in a trailer, she owned, not far from my house.  She says she is going to rent out the trailer to make money.  Her mother owns a rent house in the hood and she does not want to go back to live in it.  She asks, if she buys a little trailer can she put it on my land. 

Me, ever wanting to please, ever wanting to make and gather family around me, says yes.  I never thought to say, “Well let me consult with Jay first.”  Yeh I’ve been a bitch like that.  I have had to eat crow and apologize to Jay a lot about things like this.  I think I often unwillingly and unconsciously make his life difficult sometimes, and I am very sorry about that.  I apologize to him frequently about all this stuff, more so since I have started writing my truth again.  Still he loves me through it all.  I will never deserve him.  For a long time I felt that just us living here, on this land, and us living by ourselves, with our farm and our animals was not enough.  I wanted to add people to our tribe, to make almost like a pagan commune.  For a few months in 2013 that’s exactly what I had, and it didn’t take long for that to wear pretty thin. 

By the Fall of 2013 six of us were sharing my little trailer.  The girl and D & K kept much different hours then Jay and I did.  They are also half our age as well.  Internet access became a big thing out here.  Most of them had not lived without it in a long time.  D had to have it for school.  She was in school on line, but K did all her homework for her.  What terrifies me is soon D will graduate with a degree in psychology.  The fact she is controlling and manipulative to almost everyone in her life scares me, and I think it should scare others. 

All 4 of them would leave and take off and go to Wendy’s for hours at a time.  When we were finally able to get satellite internet here, they would all congregate in Juno and Kay’s room.  They would leave me out here in the rest of the house.  There was literally nowhere for me to sit in there, so much of the conversations I missed.  I began to feel they were excluding me from their little club.  Childish, right? 

One of the things that really irked me was that Jay and I would cook dinner, clean the kitchen and go to bed.  D&K who had cooking facilities in their trailer, would come in and cook in my house at 10 or 11 o’clock at night, making lots of noise while we were trying to sleep.   Jay often had to get up at 4 in the morning.   Then they would leave their dirty dishes in the sink for me to clean up the next morning. I asked them not to do this.  I even started leaving the dish washer clean and empty for them.  Nope didn’t help.  Still got up in the morning, and there were dirty dishes in my sink.   Now I charged these girls no rent, any of them.  They would help out and buy me dog food, and share groceries, sometimes in exchange for rent.  Sometimes I would find Juno washing D & K’s dishes, but never D or K. 

I usually run out of propane in the early spring and then again in the fall.  When the tank ran out, I told D&K since they were cooking in the house, I wanted them to give me $50 to help fill up my tank.  I told Juno and Kay the same thing.  Not much I thought as it usually takes $300-$500 to put propane in my tank.  D&K suddenly decided to cook in their trailer. 

D  also wanted to drive my car everywhere, and I let her.  Stupid me!  D had a huge SUV.  She wanted to drive my car, because it got better gas millage.  She comes in one day and starts talking about me putting her on the insurance.  I started getting the feeling I was being used, all over again.

I was getting to the end of my rope about that time.  I was just overwhelmed.  I was suicidal.  Juno was having trouble with D then too.  She could get no peace and quiet.  They just walked into her room when they damn well pleased, never knocked, even if the door was closed.  My final straw came when I found out D was talking smack about me to Juno, in my own fucking house.  Something so bad that Juno has never had the courage to tell me what she said. Oh no I’m not going to stand for that!  Bitch you free loading off me and you going to disrespect me in my own house.  Oh you can carry your ass! 

D had accused me of being a raciest.  Continually told me how dirty my house was.  She took it upon herself to tell me how I needed to run my life, on several occasions.  I felt at the time, she pushed me to put Perro down.  She tried to break up Juno and Kay.  Treated K like a dog and never lifted a fucking finger to help herself.  She made K do everything for her.  She used her like a fucking slave.  I got to the feeling that I just wanted to kick D ass to the curb. 

We tried to work things out.  It didn’t work.  I finally made a phone call to Rovena.  I told her I needed to have an emergency conference with her.  Juno and I both went out to meet with them.  We told the everything D was saying about them, behind their backs.  Then I told them what was going on in my house.   I said I need you to help me make a decision.  I did not want to be rash.  I said, I am considering asking D & K to leave.  What is your impression of them?  I will never forget Boogie saying, “I think she is a pathological liar. I don’t trust her any farther than I can throw her.  She’s a lazy bitch!”  I was bit taken aback by that.  I thanked them for their wise council and left.

I went to Tami a few days later, told her how D was treating me, and what I should do.  Tami said, “I would tell that bitch to bounce.”  After finally talking to Barb I made my decision to ask D&K to leave.  I told D, “Some friends just cannot live together.  You have two weeks to get out.”  It was my intention to ask D & K to leave, it was never my intention to ask Juno and Kay to leave as well. 

Juno was furious with me.  She spent hours yelling at me, telling me what a horrible person I was, what a bad pagan I was and that she had loved me like a mother.  That one really hurt.  She finally concluded with “If she goes, I’m going too.”  Juno did not speak another word to me, although it took two weeks for them to move all their stuff out, for more than 6 months.    

With Juno, Kay, D & K gone, and our relationship in shambles I felt I could not go back to Druid.  So for the first time in my life I became a solitary witch.  I had burned all my bridges.  I had been threw 2 covens, started and closed 2 more, and now felt I could not go back to Druid because of who was there.  For the first time in about 8 years I had no community to practice with.  I felt utterly alone.

As the girls drove out of the drive way, I looked at their empty room and decided I should paint it.  I would go with the Chinese theme that Jay loved so well.  I should give Jay back his room I though.  So I went down to the Lowe’s and bought me some red paint and black paint and started to work. 

What D didn’t know is that the day I asked her to leave, Jay and I received a large oil well check.  It felt like confirmation to me that I was doing the right thing.  The check would be enough to buy our food trailer and start the food business that we had always dreamed of Garson Du Bayou.  I means Boys of the Bayou in French. 

I never seem to stay out of trouble for long.  In October of 2013, Paige would come back into my life. 

Ilsa

 

 

Goat Problems

In late 2012 I had acquired a new dog I named Perro, an Australian Cattle Dog, aka a Blue Healer.  Tami had found him.  I took him because Tami had too many animals.  He had belonged to some Spanish fellows, and they had been trying to get rid of him.  He was such a bad dog, they were planning on putting him down.  I never could properly say his name.  So I named him Perro, the Spanish word for dog.  At first he only spoke Spanish.  He had never been in a house before.  He was terrified to come in the first few days.  It was only later that we would find out how severally abused he had been.

Perro could at times be a very good dog.  Then a switch would flipped in his brain and he would attack.  He had been raised on a horse farm, and he kept attacking the million dollar thoroughbreds.  He was trying to herd them, by biting them in the leg.  He was beaten for that, often.  He would be beaten so badly one time, he defecated on himself.  We would learn later, that if you do not properly train one these dogs from an early age, they kind of go nuts.  They are not for a first time dog owner.  I believe Perro had brain damage from his abuse.  We later found out that his original name meant Devil dog. 

Perro would bite my goats and not let them go.  They would just scream out in pain and not let them go no matter how much I screamed at him, or threatened to beat him.  It was no simple nip in the heals.  He often broke the skin.  Our goat herd was large that year.  We were running about 14 head at the time.  I would turn them out to graze, and go about my day.  They would just take themselves across the highway, to the fire station and start grazing in the woods over there. 

One day we went to round them up, taking Perro with us.  I had hoped he would herd them for us.  He didn’t he just ran around biting them.  Tami and I were riding on the back of the truck, and I had my leg hanging from the tailgate.  Perro was happily following behind us.  Suddenly he reached up and bit me in the leg,  and threw my jeans he drew blood.  The only reason he didn’t take a whole chunk out of me, was because his bottom teeth tried to bit threw my boots, and could not get thru.  I knew I in trouble.  I was bleeding, but I had to cowgirl up and go on.  My goats took priority. 

We were able to get the heard back across the road and in the pen.  By that time I am hurting pretty bad.  “Jay I’m in trouble,” I said.  And I dropped my jeans, in front of Tami, god and everybody.  I was pouring blood at that time.  Tami was shocked and ran for medical supplies.  Jay was pissed and fussed me.  “Why didn’t you say anything?!” he scolded me.  I told him we had to get the herd safe first. 

The wound was bad enough that taking me to the hospital was discussed.  I told them, “No.  If they find out it’s a dog bite they will put Perro down.  It’s my fault for what he did.  I should not have been dangling my leg.”  Thank the gods Jay is a trained medical assistant and first responder.  He patched me up, and although I was sore for a few days, the two deep punctures I received, healed up nicely. 

My goats continued to go across the road, every time I let them out.  The cops were nice about it the first 10 or 15 times they were out here.  In March of 2013, the livestock man came to my house.  He is in charge of arresting people for livestock violations.  He drives a truck with a fifth wheel attachment in the bed, to hook up the goose neck trailer to take your animals away from you.  He is a regular police officer with a gun, handcuffs and everything else. 

He’s a bit terrifying.  He came to my house to discuss my goat problem.  He told me, “If I have to come back out here again I will take all your goats, and it will cost you $75 a head to get them out.”  And he looked around at my dogs, who are free roaming, and said what terrified me most, “and I’ll take your dogs too.”  I kind of lost it after that.  I went into a suicidal depression for several weeks.  I jumped at every sound.  I was terrified he was here to take my fur kids from me. 

We continued to have goat problems.  We put up a fence, and the goats just jumped threw it.  At some point that year Jay and I were both separately slapped with a lose livestock fine.  In August of that year I gave away most of my heard.  I kept Star, Kali, Bridget and Dagda, because they never went across the road.  In September I had to go to court and plead guilty to a misdemeanor.  One of the scarcest things I had ever done. 

Perro’s attitude never improved.  He often wanted to nibble or give love bites to people.  He never got any better.  He had tried love and we had tried whooping him.  I would not keep him confined or chained up.  That is no life for an animal.  We did not know what else to do.  Perro was becoming a danger.  He was still biting the goats.  I never knew if he would bite me again.  I never knew if he would suddenly decide to bite someone else.  What if he bit a child?  I was also feeling a lot of pressure from D & K to put him down.  Perro was unpredictable and a liability. 

Jay and I made the decision to put him down.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I have never had to put down a perfectly health dog for mental issues.  In the end I could not be in the room with him when it was done, and we did not bring him home to be buried.  I wonder if he hated me for that.  Felt abandoned.  I hope one day he can find it in his heart to forgive me and return to me in a new body. 

Perro taught me a very important lesson.  You can’t save every dog.  Some dogs are just too far gone from, abuse, trauma, bad breeding, etc.  That doesn’t mean we should not try, I just think we shouldn’t be devastatingly angry at ourselves, if we try our best, and it does not work out.  Sometimes we are just not the right home, the right owner, or the dog is not the right breed for you.  I often still kick myself, thinking that I did not do enough for him.   I wonder if someone who knew more about his breed, could have pulled him though this and made him change. 

I recently journeyed to Holda’s Garden.  I wanted to check on some of my goats who had passed over.  Holda told me the pasture was around the bend, and so it was.  Just past her house, down the dirt road, thru a grove of trees I found the pasture.  Sitting among my goats was Perro, watching over them.  I did not expect to see him there.  He came to me, and gave me love.  He told me that he had had, “a broken brain.”  He told me he was all better now and his job was to watch over the goats.  I told him again how sorry I was about putting him down.  He said he didn’t blame me, and assured me again he was alright.  I am glad he is there with them, doing what he loves.  Even if it may all be just in my head.

Ilsa

 

Billy the Exterminator

At some point Melinda went home.  Tami still wanted to help Melinda, so she called in a few favors.  From her days at the Zoo, Tami knew the guys from “Billy the Exterminator,” she called and asked if they would be willing to spray Melinda’s house.  They agreed if they could film it.  Melinda went back and forth, yes, no, yes, no, okay with conditions.  Finally in the end, it was decided that it would be okay to shoot the house, but she would not be there.  If I wanted to be on TV so bad, then I would have to fill in for Melinda, and so I did.  Tami came along to do my makeup and as moral support.  So in September of 2012 we taped an episode for “Billy the Exterminator.”

Now I had been on and off the phone with Melinda all day, trying to make this happen.  At one point, she said she was going to lock the house, and not let anyone in.  I finally convinced her not to do that.  When we got on the set that day, one of the producers came up to me, and said Melinda had called them and left messages.  And I should listen to them, because they were about me.  I know my mind most of the time, and I knew to hear them would not be good.  I said, “ Once I hear them, I can’t unheard them,” so I asked Tami to listen to them for me.  She did and came back shaken up.  “They’re bad Ilsa.  They are really bad.”

 Melinda had left two messages, and in them basically threw me under the bus.  She had apparently told the producers, all about my mental health issues.  They didn’t need to know any of that. I felt betrayed.  After Tami told me, I looked at her and the producer and said, “I’m done with her after today.  I wash my hands of Melinda.” 

We had a wonderful day of shooting.  I really enjoyed Billy, but mostly I really fell in love with the crew.  My reward at the end of the day was a picture of me and Billy together, hot and tired, but having done a good job.  I made sure that everyone involved were respectful of Melinda’s home, and knew that she had placed curses on one of the gates, and not to go thru it.  Most of what you saw in the tape was correct, as far as the bugs were concerned.  What you do not know, is that kitchen had been cleaned at least three times, since the first night we had gone in with shovels.  No, it was not my rent house.    That was a lie we came up with, so it would seem plausible why I was there.

There were things that happened, after the taping of the show, that I was not aware of until later, when Tami told me.  Apparently a meeting was held of all those there, on whether to call CPS or not, because of the condition of the home, and once they understood a child lived there.  They decided against it.  They would later tell Tami, that they had never been in a filthier house. That in order to really attack her bug problem, the house should be tented.  There was also talk that the house should also be condemned. 

Jay picked me up from Melinda’s house and we went home.  I have never spoken to Melinda since then.  What few items she had left here I returned to her.  Including her belt for Holda’s Hands which I returned in pieces, just like my heart was.

It was close to Mabon at that point.  I picked up the phone and called the HP.  I wanted to find out what day Mabon was going to be celebrated, what time, and what they wanted me to bring for the feast afterward.  I told the HP all about what had happened with Melinda and I, that I was done with her, and that I wanted to come home.  Now I had watched others move in and out of the HP coven, even returning after spending long periods of time away.  Nothing was ever said about it.  I remember the HP being very angry with me.  I think she felt I had chosen my coven over hers.  She told me Melinda had disrespected her and her wife’s marriage.  Melinda had made inappropriate comments to her and apparently groped the HP’s wife.  I never understood all of why the HP was angry with me, and it has been a long time since that phone call, so please forgive my sketchy details.  Within a few days I received a Facebook message telling me that , they sent me forward in love and light, to cut and burn my cord and to never set foot back on their property again. 

I was devastated.  My coven had fractured because of Melinda and all her lies, and now I was being thrown out of my other spiritual home.  It was like those days after Momma Muriel had died.  I felt I would break apart.  I know now, years later that Holda was moving me ahead of the game, like a chess piece.  She was moving me ahead of things she did not want me involved in.  I am ever grateful for her wisdom and her protection.

Somehow we soldiered on.  Juno took it really hard.  She was still trying to play mediator and fix Melinda and I’s relationship.  She was trying to be friends with both, and it was hard on her.  Juno has always identified as a Druid.  I had known Boogie and Rovena for many years.  They were some of my oldest friends in the community, elders really.  So I rang up Rovena and asked what they were doing these days.  She told me she was running an ADF (Ar nDraiocht Fein) proto-grove.  I told her of Juno, and that I would like to bring her round.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was the only Druid in town.  And so one day we went. 

Ilsa

Holda's Hands

So when Melinda came into my life she, at first, she offered me that unconditional love I so craved.  She encouraged and empowered me, or so I felt. 

It was never my intention to leave the HP coven.  I felt in many ways we had hived off.  The HP coven had grown so large, that I felt we were just taking the overflow.  I did not spend Yule with the HP coven.  Melinda and I spent it together.  I went to the HP at Imbolc with the express idea of leaving for good.  In a private moment between us, I told her this.  She begged me to stay, and blessed me.  I agreed.  I told her of Holda’s Hands and she said that was a good thing, and encouraged me to keep doing it.  Ostara of 2012 was the last time I would stand in the HP circle.  I left my besom, Hagatha, there as a sign I would return.  That eventually I would come home. I never would.

At Beltane 2012 we officially dedicated Holda’s Hands.  Tired of never getting anywhere with the corded belt system, so common in Wicca, I made belts for all our members who held a position.  It was a way to add distinction our group.  We even sewed charms on them, to show where we had been in our spiritual path.  Melinda and I decided to co-lead, we chose to use the triple goddess aspect in our leadership.  Melinda was initiated as the crone, her daughter Vicky as the maiden, and I as the mother.  Juno was initiated as Bard, a musician and storyteller.  It was a happy day for all of us. 

No story exists in a vacuum. Events in our lives are all inter-layered like a good cake. There was a lot going on with me then. Juno and her wife Kay came into our lives during that spring.  Melinda had met them, at a knitting group off shot, she used to hold at Books-a-Million.  We loved them immediately.  We tucked them into our lives and we all became fast friends. 

Tami had also joined my life about that time.  In the Fall of 2011 I was just swimming in goats milk.  I was getting sick of making cheese.  One night laying in bed, we were watching a “Billy the Exterminator,” marathon.    The show was filmed locally.  Billy would find injured wildlife and take them to the Cypress Black Bayou Zoo.  I asked Jay, “You think they could use some goat’s milk, for all those babies?”  He said yes, and we contacted them soon after. 

Tami was basically running the place.  We came by one day to drop off milk.  They were terrible grateful, but busy as usual.  Saving babies takes a lot of effort.  We were given the tour of the place.  They had 4 beautiful goats.  I commented on how lovely they were and that we had goats.  Tami shocked us by asking if we would like them.  We talked it over and decided to take 2 of them, Muffin and Patches.  We brought them home and would rename them Bridget and Morgan.  Bridget is a fat, little, gray and white pigmy goat.  She is spoiled rotten and still with us.  Morgan would eventually go to live with Melinda, along with her babies Anu and Danu. 

Tami, her hubby, her son, and all there animals were living in at 35’ travel trailer, when I met them.  She and I had hit it off almost immediately.  She was an animal lover and a spiritual seeker.  We began to talk about her moving into Momma Muriel’s house, as it had been vacant since Mike D. had left, but needed repairs.  They moved to the farm in May of 2012, and into the house in August of that year.  Tami’s menagerie included dogs, cats, birds, and a little gray, Vietnamese Pot Belly Pig named Henry.  

After a while we tucked Henry in with the goats.  He is wonderful and gentle with them. He would lay on his side, and the goat babies would just use him as a spring board.  Tami would move from the farm to her own home, a few miles away, in August 2014.  We never could figure out how to move Henry, who was now over 200lb., without traumatizing him, so he stayed with us.  Mr. Henry still lives with Star and Kali in the pen. I am looking at his happy piggy butt right now, out my window, as he is eating some grass, and wagging his happy piggy tail.  I’m not into pigs, but I sure do love this one.  He will even sit for a cookie, Tami taught him that one. 

I had known Melinda about two years at that point.  She often mentioned how messy her house was.  Tami and I told her that we would love to help her clean.  It took some convincing, but Melinda finally let us in her house in the Summer of 2012.  I know why she had trepidations about this.  Melinda had a secret.  She was a hoarder. 

The first night Tami and I went in with shovels.  We shoveled dog shit and trash from her kitchen floor for many hours.  The German Roaches, you know the little ones, were insane.  We came home and Tami did right, she stripped off all her clothes, before she got in her house.  She would later burn them.  I should have done the same thing.  Melinda’s lasting gift to me, for helping her clean, was I got roaches that would not go away. I would fight them on and off for more than a year, before they finally went away.  I should have stripped and burned my clothes too, but I did not.  I had the sensation of bugs crawling all over me for days afterwards. 

I would go back into that house many more times.  To clean out refrigerators that were not working, and one day to wash all her dishes.  JB and I worked hard one morning and got 5 bags of trash cleaned out of the living room and the kitchen.  We were outside taking a break, when she came home from work for lunch.  She flew into a rage when she saw all the bags, screaming at us and tearing them open to see what we had thrown away.  Then yelling at us about what we had thrown away.  Poor little JB, who was only about 13 or 14 at the time, had been so proud of what he had done, just wept.  I had the impression that whatever he did for her, was never enough, was never done the right way.  I would come to see that side of her myself first hand.

JB and I spent one day washing every dish in Melinda’s house.  I would wash, he would dry and we both clean out the cabinets trying to vacuum up dead bugs and fecal matter.  We spent hours doing this.  Melinda was at work.  We knew she would be so pleased, when she came home.  All day long I had been using a sponge with a scrubby side on it.  It was the only thing available.  She came in, and told both of us that we had done it all wrong, that all of the dishes would have to be washed again, because we had used the scrubby side.  And as everyone knows, the scrubby side would cause microscopic scratches, that would let germs grow.  I was deeply, deeply hurt.  It was thank you, but you did it wrong.  I was beginning to see why JB had cried.

Vicky had left some time before, and moved in with her new husband.  She could not take the pressure of Melinda anymore.  JB and I had done a tremendous amount of work.  We had gotten the kitchen, living room, pantry, and some of the hallway cleared.  Every day I came in, we started at square one, picking up trash and dog shit. 

I started on Vicky’s room.  It took me 2 or 3 days to dig it out.  It was buried in about a foot of dirty clothes, trash, and sprinkled with cat shit.  I had to wear a mask.  When I started on that room, which was a good, 15 x 20, I could not get the door open, but about 6 inches.  Slowly it came.  I have no idea how many bags of garbage I pulled out of that room.  But I do know I pulled out 9 laundry bags full of dirty clothes, shoes, belts and purses, but mostly clothes. 

I am very glad I at least did that. Melinda had her room, but I never could figure out where JB slept.  It took me a while, to dig a path, to even get to where his old room was.  Of course you could not get in it.  It was covered in junk and trash.  After we cleaned out Vicky’s room, JB turned it into his room.  He made a pallet on the floor and that is where he slept.  I believe that JB had been sleeping on the couch in the living room for years.  He had no dresser to hold clean clothes, hell most of the time he only had just a little bit of that, he had no place for his books, he had almost nothing to call his own in that house. 

Washing clothes was always hard in that house.  Of to the right of the living room was a hallway that was treacherous and covered in stuff.  That led to a set of stairs.  At the base of the stairs was a very large room maybe 30 x 30, covered in stuff about a foot deep.  I could tell you there were pieces of furniture, but I have no idea what else was in there. I never dared go in that room.  I stopped at the stairs.

To the left of that room, was a washroom.  Only JB was nimble enough to get in there.  We did not know until later, that the water heater was busted, and had been leaking into what was the washroom and other large room, until we saw water pouring out between the house and the foundation one day. It had started to grow black mold.  We had no idea how long this had been going on.  The room adjacent to the washroom was covered in about 6 inches of water and furniture had begun to float.  I have no idea how long it had been like that.  Melinda seemed to suddenly be shocked at the condition of this room and blamed it all on Vicky and how she could not keep house. 

After JB and I had worked all day, she did not come home and help.  Nope she simply went in her room, often times closing the door.  As if we were the peasants, the hired help and she was too good to help.  Even some days complaining how bad her back hurt her.  One day we called a work day at her house, with the rest of the coven.  She sat in her chair the whole day and did not lift a finger.  Melinda was beginning to show her true colors in the way she was treating everyone and I was starting to get really pissed about all this.  I felt I was in a way being conned. That’s when it all started to unravel, like we were frogging a knitting project.

Ilsa