Marijuana may not be the drug for me

In those 7 years that I did not speak to Paige, Jelly became my child.  She was loved and she was cherished.  She roamed these lands and hunted moles, her favorite thing.  She loved Prince and us.  She lived a happy life here.

I always wondered what happened to Paige.  I looked her up on Facebook one day.  It took me a while to find her, but eventually I did.  By that time, I had forgotten what she had been like, or why I had been so angry with her. 

When Barb suggested that I might be Bipolar I put out the word on Facebook that I would like to talk to others with a similar diagnosis.  Paige chimed in that she had the disease and would love to share her experience with me.  We talked real briefly on the phone one day, near the end of D & K’s stay with us.  She called me not long after they left, and told me she was staying in a motel in Bossier.  I thought I should go out and see her, and so Jelly and I went to visit her.  God’s help me I should have left her right there.  But I took pity on her and thought I’ve got a spare room, and some money.  Why don’t I try to make her life better?

I was still repainting Jay’s man cave, Juno and Kay’s old room.  I told her I need a few weeks to finish it, to buy a new bed, but after that would she like to move in. I felt I just could not leave her there.   By late October 2013 Paige moved in with me.  For 8 months she would turn my life upside down. 

Paige had been in Texas most of the last 7 years.  She had lived in Texarkana, been engaged, lost her house to foreclosure, been robbed, been homeless, been in jail once we think for drugs, and once for “abusing” her mom.  I am fuzzy on the details of her jail stays.  She told us she was diagnosed as Bipolar in jail, and taken to a 30 day treatment place.  By the time she came to us she was no longer on meds, and was convinced she did not need them. 

I let Paige do things in my home and on my property that I am not proud of.  She treated those closest to me like dirt.  She treated Jay like dirt, and one night would even turn me against Jay.  She freely admitted to me, in the end, that she was trying to break Jay and I up.  She came very close.  She told me every day how stupid he was, and I started chiming in with her.  Remember that part about me being malleable.  I often bend my will to others.  She believed Jay was verbally abusive to me, because some of the pet names we call each other.  She gave me commands and I followed them. For 8 months she basically sat on my front porch, smoked cigarettes I bought her, washed clothes, played with her phone, and found guys to fuck. 

We knew Paige loved Marijuana.  It was still illegal in the state of Louisiana at this time, still is as of this writing.  Jay hated this fact.  He was terrified we would get caught, get in trouble, and lose everything we owned.  I am grateful we never did.  We went round and round about this.  He wanted her out because of it, I begged him to let her stay, and because he loves me, he did. She smoked in her room, even after we told her not too.  I am allergic to cigarette smoke.  She would even smoke her weed inside on a rainy, cold or windy day.  She told me because she was paying rent, she should be allowed to do what she wanted in her room.

I told her I had always wanted to try Marijuana, to see what all the fuss was about.  But as I am allergic to smoke I could obviously not smoke it.  So we went to Texarkana and bought some hash from her middleman connection.  On Christmas Eve 2013 we made Marijuana brownies.  I had the first one and waited about an hour, nothing.  So I had another, nothing.  I snuck a third one.  They were after all good brownies.  I got up from the table, to go to the bathroom about the time the first one hit.  I collapsed in the doorway between my room and the bathroom.  I told Paige, “Strawberry.”  After some arguing she went and got Jay.  They both tried for the next 45 minutes to get me in bed, but I was a limp noodle, and you have to remember I’m a big girl so there was no lifting me.  I told them, “I forgot some witches, should not do drugs.”  Some believe since our minds are already open to magical forces, that we should not really tempt fate by putting ourselves in an altered state with drugs. 

I would trip for the next 9 hours.  My last real memory before I passed out for the first time was becoming possessed.  Jay had one arm, Paige had the other.  I was in front of my bedroom window.  I felt the spirit come through the window and into me, all the while I am screaming, “No!”  I was taken against my will.  As I have thought on how to tell you this story, these last few days, I have been reviewing the details.  I wonder now if I did not call for Holda in that state, and she came into me to protect me from what was going on.  I don’t know. 

I am not sure if I passed out at that point or not.  I do remember The Mother coming thru and her wanting to reach up and physically hurt Paige. I had some control at that point, and was able to restrain her.  I know she wanted to yell at Paige.  The only thing I remember her saying was, “I am ready to receive.”  Meaning she was ready to receive questions.  I know at one point she wanted to scream at Paige, “Christian get out of my house!”  I don’t remember anything after that.  At some point the spirits must have left me. 

I blacked in and out for the next few hours.  I cried, I laughed so hard I peed all over myself more than once. I thought I invented ham, and begged others to look at what I had created. I took off all my clothes.  I was paranoid.  I would come too and beg for them to get Tami or Barb.  Beg to be taken to the hospital.  I cried that I was a witch, alone and solitary.  I called Jay all manner of terrible things.  I’m still apologizing for that one.  I started screaming and crying that Jay had left me, when he was right beside me.  At some point I was given milk to make the trip, lessen or stop.  It didn’t help.  I started vomiting.  I climbed in the tub with my socks on.  I thought if I suddenly run outside naked, at least I would have something on my feet.  Tried out my Kung Fu moves when people tried to put clothes on me.  I came to at one point and Paige said, “I haven’t’ had a cigarette in hours.”  I said, “We better take advantage of it while we have it.” And I pushed her 300lb ass from the bathroom to the front door, about 50ft.  I blacked out again when I got to the front door.  Jay finally got tired and went to bed.  I woke up out of my last black out about midnight, sitting naked in my chair, vomiting and holding on to a trash can.  Having no idea what was going on.  Somewhere in here I took one of my panic pills.  I don’t know if that made it better or worse.  I know now that I had basically overdosed on Marijuana.  I didn’t know the effect was more intense when you eat it.  I didn’t know that the brownies take about an hour each to kick in. 

I would try Marijuana one more time while Paige was there.  I had one brownie.  I got hot, horney, hungry and sleepy.  I think now marijuana may just not be the drug for me.  I still think it should be legalized for both medicinal and recreational use.  But if you end up like me, you should not being driving heavy machinery, Okay! 

If you are a witch or other pagan, and do decide to try Marijuana for the first time, you might want there to be other trained witches or pagans around you.  Just in case something paranormal happens to you and you need someone to get you out of that situation.  Just FYI.

Ilsa

The Girls

It has been our great pleasure over the last few years to watch over and care for Juno and Kay.  We often refer to them as “The Girls,” a misnomer as they are very capable young women.  I have over the last few years served as their High Priestess, their friend, a kind of aunt and at times a surrogate mother.  They are a great joy in my life.

Juno and Kay are from a far away land called Indiana.  I hear the summers there are quiet pleasant and rainy.  You can understand how for someone from Louisiana that sounds like a fairy story.  But I am assured this place is real.  I have after all seen it on a map, but as of yet have yet to journey there myself. 

Juno and Kay have been together for many years.  For a large percentage of their lives they have lived with Kay’s parents.  Kay’s stepfather became attached to Barksdale, and so they moved here to the hell that is Louisiana.  I often admire them for being an open couple, and living their truth, in the buckle of the Bible belt.  A place that can at times be very homophobic.  When Juno and Kay walk in the grocery store holding hands, people look at them hatefully.  Just makes me want to kick people’s asses!  You know that thing about Jesus tells us to love everyone, only applies to certain people, or so a lot of people around here feel.

In January 2013 we learned that Kay’s stepfather intended to retire, and return home to Indiana that Summer.  The girls were informed they were no longer welcome to live with their family.  If they returned to Indiana, they would have to do it on their own, and find their own place to live.  Jay and I graciously opened our home to them, as we knew they had no money to do such a thing.  As Tami was living in Momma Muriel’s house, I could not offer that to them.  They would be moving into our guest bedroom in the Summer, but until then the room had to be cleaned.  Our guestroom also functions as Jay’s man cave.  Juno and I chose paint colors.  The first time she had ever been able to do that in her life.  So our great plans were laid.

Juno, Kay and I began to worship with Rovena’s ADF grove at Imbolc 2013, and continued to hold our Holda’s Hand rituals here at my home.  Since I had been possessed two years before I had been studying books on how to Sit High Seat, or as the Wiccan’s say Drawing Down.  It was my hope to learn so this I might learn to control this ability, and that I would be able to teach Juno, so she could pull me out should something go wrong.  At our Holda’s Hands Imbolc 2013 I put myself in a semi-trance, half possessed state.  Pan came through again, and then the Mother.  I did not know until later, how bad I had scared Juno.  It greatly disturbed her.  I have never again tried to actively become possessed.  Jay hated me doing this work, but I persisted in my studying, after some time though I gave it up.   I have deiced that my mental health is already too fractured, I do not have the necessary training, and it upsets Jay too much.  I recently sold all of my books on the subject. 

So we rocked along.  Juno, Kay and I kind of stopped doing Holda’s Hands.  Goat Problems took up a lot of my time.  I’m sorry I have not talked about Jay a lot here.  My emotional adventures often overshadowed our lives and our relationship.  Jay was still working for Unifirst.  He had been with them for almost 3 years at this point.  Jay worked anywhere from 50 to 80 hours a week for salary, or basically for 40 hours worth of pay.  He worked in a panel truck, with no AC, that could easily reach over 120°F on a warm day, much worse on a summer’s day.  All of which we found out was perfectly legal, although we felt immoral.  Corporations’ could care less about their employees.  They are expendable and highly replaceable.  All they care about is their bottom line.    Jay was chronically sleep deprived.  He spent two nights a week away from me. 

In May of 2011 Jay went in for his yearly physical.  His blood work showed that his calcium levels were off.  We continued to do blood work on him threw out that summer.  It was finally decided that it was his parathyroid, and he should have it removed.  One of the things your parathyroid controls is how your body absorbs calcium.  In September of 2011 Jay had most of it removed.  It was many times larger than it should have been.  Other than that his life pretty much stayed the same, go to work, help me with my crazy, crash on the weekends, and then goes back to work. 

In July of 2013 Jay developed a pimple under his right arm.  We did not think much about it.  A few days after we popped that pimple he developed a mass the size of a softball.  It was hot and it hurt him.   We took him into our PCP.  Our Dr. took one look at it and said, “Jay you have a massive staph infection.”  We were quickly admitted to the hospital.  Jay would spend 5 or 6 days there.  They tried for two days with antibiotics to get it to go down, and it would not.  Finally he was taken into surgery to have it drained. It was over 30 cc’s. 

Jay was sent home on light duty, with drain tubes in his arm.  It was so gross.  I shiver just thinking about it, even now.  I had to change his dressing twice a day.  I was always terrified I would hurt him, or worse do it wrong and that it would come back.  A few weeks later he developed another pimple, on the same arm, only on his forearm this time.  In a few days it began to swell as well.   Jay went into his surgeon, who told him it was staph again.  He said that he could readmit him and drain this, or if he was tough enough he could cut it open, drain it, and pack it in the office.  Jay’s a tough old boy, so he chose the latter.  He said it was the worse pain that he had ever felt, and he’s been in three car wrecks.  He said the packing hurt the worse. 

We feel the second round of staph was left over from his first round.  Jay had been picking up dirty clothes from Flower’s bakery the week he first got staph.  It was a new stop for him.  We believe he picked up something there.  He had never had it before, and after stopping work on that particular route never had it again. 

Ilsa

Possession

Jay finally found a job with Unifirst in October of 2010.  Unifirst is uniform and janitorial supply company.  It was most defiantly not what we had hoped for, but by that time we were desperate for any work and Jay happily took the job. 

I busied myself with goats and Pagan things as usual.  I had been with the HP’s coven for about a year now, and my student and I continued to do rituals at my house.  After a disagreement with my student I closed my group.  We held our last ritual on Yule of 2010.  After that my student and I basically became absorbed into the HP’s coven.

After some years, Jay and I were finally alone.  We could walk around our property naked if we wanted.  We never had to worry if someone was going to walk in while we were making love.  Mike D. was notorious for not knocking.  I have the memory of sitting with Jay in the hot tub one night, skinny dipping, and just soaking up the silence.  My fear of being alone had turned into something I desperately wanted and cherished. 

In the Spring I put in a large garden.  In April of 2011 I went to conference in south Texas to give a speech on Holda and to visit Father Dave, Mother Mari, and Mother Gloria.  It was wonderful!  While I was away my mother watched the farm.  Holda, my Angora goat, named in honor of the goddess, birthed as baby boy.  My mother, I think just to spite me, named him Jesus!  In those days I could not leave without fear I would have a baby born while I was away. 

At a Beltane (May 1^st) ritual at the HP’s coven I danced the Maypole.  We call the night before Beltane, Walpurgisnacht, it is one of Holda’s most sacred nights.  It is when she comes to the end of the Wild Hunt and returns to her mountain.   It was a great ritual with lots of raised energy, the kind that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and gives you goose bumps.  The twisting and turning of the Maypole, the magic of the ritual, the sacred time of year, the heat, and my exhaustion put me in an altered state of consciousness. I’m still not sure why or how it happened, I just know that it did. 

I danced the Maypole and got hot and dizzy.  I went back to sit in my chair in the west, under the tree.  My vision soon became fuzzy.  As the HP went to close the ritual, I began to twist and writhe in my chair as the sprits began entered and exited my body.  Mother Gloria refers to it as kind of like a revolving door.  You never know who is going to come thru. The first one to come threw I believe was Pan.  It seemed odd at the time, as I do not worship him, but given my heavy involvement with goats I kind of understand.  I had to fight the debilitating urge to crawl on all fours and rub my horns on things.  He left eventually, but a few more popped in and out.  I was confused.  I had no idea what was going on.  I tried my best to get out of it, to shake it off, but they had me and would not let me go. 

Finally the Mother came thru.  What goddess she was I still don’t know.  She was ancient, perhaps she was simply the divine archetype.  I have no idea.  She would come thru later in another possession and tell me she was called by many names.  It was thru the Mother that I spoke and prophesied.  I was finally able to get control of my body long enough to speak and tell one of the women next to me, “Bring the mother (meaning the HP) to me.”

It took the HP a moment to understand what was going on, and then she kneeled at my feet.  It was not me.  I was being used like a divine tool.  I watched from somewhere inside myself, as I laid hands on my HP, blessed her, spoke to her of how much I loved her, how proud I was of her and that her coven would continue to grow and prosper. 

When she went to hug me I begged her to, “Make them go away.”  She stood up and clapped her hands.  At that point they left my body.  The next thing I remember was looking up at the leaves on the tree.  I came out a bit terrified and confused.  I was so weak I could barely walk.  I had to be helped into the HP’s house.  I still have no idea how long it had lasted.  It took hours to shake off the residual energy and come back to my full self. 

I had an idea of what had just happened.  I had seen it before, in south Texas when Mother Gloria sat High Seat.  I never intended to duplicate what she had done.  Doing this type of work and not being properly grounded and trained can kill a person.  You can come back fine, come back in bits and piece or not come back at all.  Doing this type of work can be very, very dangerous.  I still don’t know why they chose me.  It would be some years, before they tried it again, but it would not be the last time.

In May of 2011, I attended the Pagan Unity Festival (PUF) in Tennessee, again.  Only this time I was there without Mike D. and Velvet so I really got to enjoy it.  I went with Father Dave, Mother Mari, Mother Gloria and a few others.  They swung by to pick me up on their way to Tennessee from south Texas.  I had a most excellent time.  I got to met and hang out with Pagan authors, many of whom I had known on-line for some years.  I learned so much that weekend. 

I asked my Druid buddies from Texas what had happened to me at Beltane.  It was Father Dave’s guess that they were testing me.  Who knows maybe they were trying me out for size.  He cautioned me against this type of work, without skilled people around me, to bring me out if I got stuck.  All three of them explained to me over and over again the danger of this work. 

I came home and went back to the regulars of farm life: growing vegetables and milking goats.  That Summer I told my HP that I wished to officially initiated into the coven.  She questioned my knowledge on all things pagan, told me to put together a Book of Shadows with certain things in it, and that soon the rite would be held.  I did not know between them and there that the bottom would fall out of my life, again. 

Ilsa