Adam

There were 5 of us cousins in my new family, me, Melissa, was the oldest girl who lived in Texas, Drew and his baby sister Ashley.  She was born a week after my parents met.  And Adam, he was the step-son of one of my uncles.  But no one, except Novelle, ever treated us any different. 

There are a series of incidents in my life that involve Adam.  I have often wondered if they crossed the line of abuse, but after all these years I still don’t know.  Adam basically used me as kissing practice.  I was 6 and he was 12.  He was 6 years old then me, old enough to know better.  There would be several events that started when I was 6 or 7 and would not stop until I was 16. 

Let me first say I never had a time in my life when I did not feel like a sexual being.  I have been attracted to boys, and wanted to be with them since I can remember.  I was spending the night at Adam’s house, one night and I could not sleep.  I called him into my room.  We sat on the floor for a while and played cards.  The next thing I know we were kissing.  I don’t know who kissed who first, but I kissed back, and I liked it.  The next thing I knew it was hot and heavy.  We broke it off when Adam left the room and went back to his bed.

I believed for many years that Adam and I were in a secret relationship.  That he secretly loved me.  I brought it up to my circle of girlfriends who agreed with me.  I like most kids in the South, learned about sex from the other kids around me.  Much of that information came from their own experimentation, or from their own abuse.

I knew never to bring it up with Adam.  It was our secret.  I tried when I was about 10.  We were in Drew’s pool and I started asking Adam either when he was going to kiss me again, or when we were going to tell people we were a couple.  He told me to be quite, not to mention it and then pushed my head down under the water.  I remember being alone with him and giving him a back massage.  Not sure if there was kissing that day or not.

The last time we were in his house.  I think I was about 15 or 16.  Everybody else was outside drinking, and we were alone in the house.  We started wrestling, and he stopped on top of me and had my arms lightly pined above my head.  We were kissing, but I knew this was wrong.  Although he was no blood relation, he was my cousin.  He had this look on his face, like kissing was not going to be enough.  I thought, “I have to figure a way out of this or I’m in trouble.”  So I told him I had to go pee.  He was a bit upset but let me up.  I ran to the bathroom and he went to take a shower.  When I was done I ran outside and refused to go back inside. 

On the ride home, after 10 years of this back and forth, I finally had the courage to tell my father.  I don’t remember what he said, but I do know that by the next First Sunday it had become a running joke in the family.  Something that was so private to me, even now, something that had been sacred to me, that took me years to get up the courage to say, was now a joke and I was openly being laughed at.  Adam was met at the front door and slapped on the back and told, “Why don’t you give her another kiss?”  It would take me years to ever trust my family with any of most deeply held secrets again. 

I hesitate to even write and publish this now as I wish no harm to come to him or his family because of this.  I loved Adam for many years, and I was extremely jealous when he took a girlfriend.  I was mortified that when he went to fight in Desert Storm, she cheating on him.  I wrote him regularly when he was in Iraq. 

I don’t think Adam ever loved me.  It was just another case of a man using me to get what he wanted from me.  It’s sad, but it’s true.

The moral of this story is if your kid, or anybody for that matter trusts you enough to tell you their secret, no matter how trivial it may seem to you.  At least respect them enough to know that secret has caused them pain over the years and not to laugh at them.  It is hard enough to trust anybody anyways. 

Ilsa