I moved back into my old room with my parents, like so many
of my generation. I had nowhere else to
go, and I am grateful that when I fell, they caught me. My father, as always, was true to his word
and paid for my divorce. In Louisiana you
must be granted separation prior to your divorce. We filled the papers in or around July 4th,
2001, my own personal independence day.
I loved what the lawyer told me.
I will never forget it. “In six
months, if you two are not found in bed together, you will be granted a
divorce.” And so it was. In December of 2001 a motion for divorce was
filed. It was granted in March of 2002
just in time for my birthday. We were
granted what is called a “102 vanilla divorce,” meaning there was no property
or children to argue over. I never had
to see Michael for the signing of any of the papers and we never had to appear
in court. Everything was handled in
house.
I remember the joy and elation I felt of driving my own car,
and going where I wanted, when I wanted.
Mike drove most of the time, and we only had the one car. Mike must have told me I was stupid with
directions or something, because I remember navigating to Liz’s office on my
own one day and how excited I was when I got there, that I had done it by
myself.
Mike liked to control everything. We were riding in his old Topaz one day and I
wanted to change the radio station. He
pushed my hand away from the dial and said, “One day when you have your own car
you can change the radio station.” I
cannot tell you what pleasure it gave me to give it back to him some years
later. We had just bought a new Saturn
in my name. He went to change the radio
station and I pushed his hand away and said, “One day when you have your own
car you can change the radio station.”
He looked so shocked!
Those early days were filled with wonderment and sadness for
me. Wonderment that I had somehow
survived, I still don’t understand how. The
freedom of being able to watch what I wanted on TV and the ability to express
some of my long held beliefs that I had to hide or squash around Mike. I had changed myself into someone I didn’t
recognize, to appease him, and try to keep him from having violent
outbursts. That was really sad for me.
I spent the next year and a half chasing boys, recovering
and trying to figure out who I was. I remained in counseling with Liz even
after I lost my job in the Summer of 2002. I feel now that if I had not done
that foundational work in those early days, answering my life’s questions and
healing I would never have found Jay, wanted him or much less kept him. Somewhere in there I began going to Overeaters
Anonymous and Ala-non. Working the
twelve steps became a major part of my life. I changed my eating habits, got
into yoga and swimming, and for the first time began to lose weight. Between graduating college and meeting Jay I
lost almost 90lb.
And yes there were boys, Charlie, Joe and finally Jay. My mom set me up on a blind date with her
6’6” checker from Wal-Mart. I chased
Charlie for about a year. We had a few
dates and he began to take me to his Baptist church. I converted not long after 9/11. I was baptized a few months later. I think part of it was to get Charlie, but I
think I was also looking for forgiveness in the way I had treated Mike in the
end. I felt a lot of guilt about having
been Buddhist. I knew I would go to
hell. I think I also wanted help with
the PTSD and the tapes of Mike abusing me continuingly playing in my head.
But Charlie… Charlie was gorgeous, tall and red headed. He was very timid. I would come later to find out that he had
OCD quite badly. He would do things to
me like make a date with me and not show up.
I would go to his house, see his car, climb the stairs to his house, and
knock on his door. I could hear the
radio on inside, could hear him moving about and he would not answer, despite
me banging on the door and calling his name.
He would not take my phone calls.
I feel I had a long and tumultuous relationship with his answering
machine. When we did make out on his 4
poster bed, he made me unscrews the posts so that they did not hit the wall and
so his neighbors would not know we were making out. I still never understood that one. When
Charlie did not show for my baptism, which I had called and invited him too, I
knew I was done with him. He was such a
sweet guy, that I believe he could not bring himself to tell me to go away, to
tell me that he didn’t like me. I was
tired of chasing men what did not want me.
Joe showed back up in my life not long after I parted
company with Charlie. I had lost touch
with Joe. I emailed his sister, told her
that I was now divorced and hoped Joe was well.
She emailed back with Joe’s new email address and told me that he would
love to see me. I nearly fainted. Joe ever the gentleman, would not sleep with
me until I was officially divorced. He
was also worried that he would get in trouble with the Army, for messing with a
married woman.
Now the sex with Joe was the best I had ever had, up until
that point. He was a kind, companionate,
and responsive lover. He wanted me and I
wanted him, and he was not shy about it.
I had not seen that look in a man’s eyes in a long time. We had so many
years of pent up desires for each other.
I was also the first time in a long time that I had sex without having
pain. Sex with Mike was frequently rough
and hard, and I would often bleed and have pain afterwards. Joe and I had one or two wonderful afternoon
trysts and it was over. Joe was moving
to Georgia to his new assignment.
I wanted to try the long distance thing. I wrote and called him. Finally the email came that he was, “actively
involved in the dating scene in Georgia.”
I was so hurt! I wrote him a
nasty email. I don’t think I have ever
used fuck so many times in anything I have ever written. So Joe and I parted ways. Then the war started. I became terrified he had been killed. I listened to the news for his name and I
Googled him frequently. It was in one of
those search engines, on Christmas Eve that I found him on MySpace. My Gods he was alive! I wept.
He had just returned from serving with the UN in Germany, with his then wife
and baby boy. He had never been sent to
Iraq or Afghanistan. I immediately
contacted him and he came out not long after for a visit. It was good to see him. Joe and I remain in contact thru
Facebook. He is now remarried, to a
wonderful woman that loves him and his son, and takes wonderful care of them. I could not be happier for him.
Ilsa
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