On January 2nd, 2003 we have our first
unchaperoned date. I was so nervous
getting ready. I remember telling my
mom, “I have to make sure I have enough money for dinner in case he makes me
pay half.” We go to a little place and I
order a hamburger. I tell him, “Now I’m
getting it with onions, ‘cause I love onions and I will have bad breath after
words.” He tells me, “I’m getting mine
with onions too. Guess we will have bad
breath together,” and we just laughed.
When the bill came I asked him if I need to pay half. Charlie would do that to me, ask me to dinner
and then make me pay half. Jay looks a
bit offended. “I asked you to lunch, a
gentleman always pays!” I just smile and
tell him about Charlie and me, and how I
had made sure I had enough money with me just in case.
That is one of the best things in the world about Jay is
that he is such a good listener. I think
more than therapy, more than the 12 steps, having a friend and being able to
talk to someone openly and honestly about my past, has been tremendously
healing for me. Knowing that he would
kill the son of a bitch for me if he could does a girl a whole lot of
good. Never once has Jay ever said to
me, “Quit telling me stories of your ex.
Stop comparing me to him.”
Granted Jay always comes out with a compliment after the comparisons. Example, “Mike would always tell me when I
was sick that it was all just in my head and that I was not really sick. You know what I love about you. That you believe me and take me to the doctor
when I’m sick.”
That Saturday we are standing in a Wal-Mart checkout
line. He is standing behind me, holding
me and kissing my neck. I am making baby
talk with a cute baby in front of me. He
looks at the child and whispers in my ear, “What do you think? In about a year? Year and half?” I sputter.
Thank the Gods he can’t see the shock on my face. Is he’s asking me when I think we will have
our first child? I begin to unload the
groceries onto the conveyer belt. I
said, “Did you just ask me what I think you asked me?” I think he has just asked me to marry
him. I did not know that at the moment
he said it, he had meant it as a joke.
But he said later, once he heard himself say it, he meant it. He never expected my response.
I begin with, “I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The doctors have told me I have a 10% chance
of ever conceiving on my own. They have
told me it will take a team to get me pregnant.
I think you are the man for the job.
Yes.” I look up. He is smiling and his bright blue eyes are
sparkling. I follow up with, “if we
can’t conceive we will adopt. If we
can’t adopt we will raise dogs.” Now for
those following along, we have not even known each other a month yet and we
have not slept together yet either.
I’ve pondered over the last 24 hours how to tell you the
next part. If you knew me in person you
would know that I talk about sex a lot.
I think we have to demystify the subject and remove the taboo against
it. If we don’t talk about sex it makes
it harder for those of us who have been molested, sexually assaulted and / or
raped to talk about our experiences.
I’ve watched the world change a lot on this subject in the past 40 years,
but we still have a long way to go. I am
of the opinion that sex is a sacred and private thing between consenting
adults. I have never been one to
participate in recreational sex. Mike
always told me, “You have to separate sex from love.” I have never been able to. When I make love I feel it is the exchanging
of souls. I think it should be a magical
experience. It is the great rite.
In this culture and I feel more particularly in the south,
women are still demonized for wanting sex or having a high sex drive. While a man who has sex with many partners is
considered voracious and a stud. Men who
save themselves are looked at as being religious zealots. But then there are those men, who have been
passed over by life or by women for whatever reason and have had little or no
experience in loving. While their
circumstance is unfortunate it should in no way be belittled. They are no lesser men for this position in
life, and I feel they should not be chastised or embarrassed by this.
Jay kissed like a dream.
The way he kissed me, was like he knew what he was doing. We began to have conversations about making
love. I was not ready quite yet, despite
the fact we were technically engaged, and that was fine with him. In our conversations Jay made me understand
that he had never been with anyone. At
first I was a bit shocked. He had to
convince me, but yes it was true. I was
also his first major girlfriend. Now Jay
was not a religious zealot, he had just been passed over by women. Their loss
is my gain! I’ve asked him over the years why there were no real girls before
me. He has told me he has always been
painfully shy around girls and by the time he got up the courage to ask them
out most of them were taken.
There had been a girl before me. Her name was Monica. She had been his childhood sweetheart. They had been kissing buddies in Kindergarten
and first grade. Then he had lost contact
with her. She had come back into his
life his Jr. year in high school. They
tried to meet for coffee several times, but they never could get their
schedules right. She died tragically in
a house fire about six months later. Jay
was heartbroken and always lamented what could have been. He’d been on a few dates with a girl in
college but other than that his experience was limited.
I knew it would be my job in life to teach him, and I was
happy for the job. When Jay and I began
to talk about sex I gave him my 4 rules to follow in bed:
1.
Don’t be afraid to laugh.2. Don’t be a afraid to fart. With any luck you are going to be twisting in some odd positions.
3. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.
4. Don’t be afraid to speak up and ask for what you want.
My first experience had been terrible. I didn’t want that for Jay. I wanted his first time to magical, and it
was. It was magical for both of us. Jay is as giving, compassionate, and as
loving in the bedroom as he is in real life.
Such a complete change from what I had with Mike, and what I had only
glimpsed at with Joe. Jay has never
asked me to do anything I was uncomfortable with, was against my moral compass,
or that I found degrading. I have never
once had to beg.
I think the best part is that 12 ½ years later he still
wants me. I have a little saying, “first
husband wouldn’t touch me. Second one
won’t keep his hands off of me.” Jay always
has his hand on my butt in public and at home.
It’s his way of saying, “this one is mine boys. Touch her and there will be trouble.” I like that.
I like that a lot.
Ilsa
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