Team Ilsa
In May it seems I pulled a muscle in my hip and knee. We believe that because I pushed myself so
hard in the beginning, ignoring the pain, believing it was part of the process
from years of not using my muscles, that I did in fact injure myself. At the urging of Coach Jay, who used to work
training football players, I took almost two weeks off and did no floor
exercises and walked no farther than the barn.
I was extremely upset at the whole process. My muscles that had lengthened and relaxed
with exercise, contracted again, and caused me pain again when I worked
them.
I have had to start everything back over. I had to start my floor exercises back at 5,
down from 30. I had days where if I made
it to the gravel road, I was doing good.
We have learned that I just cannot push myself that hard. I cannot walk and do floor exercises on the
same day. So now I am doing my floor
exercises 3 days a week and walking the other four. No matter how upset I am at myself for being
fat, I have to let my body rest. All of this is still an adjustment. Just in
the last few days I have made it to the first driveway, on the road across from
my house. a victory, for me for sure, but a bittersweet one. My back spasms had started to get bad again,
but in the last week or two they have gotten better. Slowly and surely it is all coming back.
I am happy to say the new medicine the dr. put me on seems
to have stopped most of my swelling, but I still continue with my exercises for
fear it will return.
I finished reading my book on nutrition. I took many notes and it has helped, so has
listening to my own body, and honoring my wants and desires. The world of fruits and vegetables continues
to be exciting one for me. I am learning
to keep certain vegetables on hand. I
have learned what is in season, is usually what is on sale. I am learning how to freeze what I buy, but
also how to incorporate more vegetables in what I cook. My tastes seem to rotate on what vegetables I
want to eat like, for instance, the last two pay checks we have bought cabbage
and squash. I probable will not buy them
again this pay check. I am kind of tired
of them.
We have also learned that a half a cabbage is plenty for us
for dinner. Three squash, sweated down with
half and onion is also enough for a side dish.
I usually only want 1 or 2 bok choy and Jay does not like them. We buy meat in bulk, divide it and freeze it
ourselves. Before we would put 4 pork
chops in a container, now 2 is plenty, same with chicken. So there has been a substantial reduction in
the quantity of food we eat, verses what it was a year or even 6 months
ago.
As I have reduced my usage of salt in my diet, I have picked
up my love for hot stuff again. I just
can’t get enough heat in my diet. In the
fajitas the other night I sautéed 3 jalapenos and a half a green Serrano in
with my onions, garlic, and mushrooms.
Oh it was so good! I finally got
enough heat! My craving for sugar has
been going for some months now, but the other day I went to make myself a bowl
of Lucky Charms, and it was just way too sweet for me. I cannot explain it. Maybe it is tied to us reducing our salt,
maybe it is tied to my emotions. I am
still not sure.
Mom
Those of you who are following along know that I posted my
article, All her sins laid bare, in
May. What most of you don’t know is that
it had been on my blog almost a month before that. I waited, kept trying, and finally gave
up. On May 27th, the Friday
of Memorial Day weekend, I sent my mom an intensely private and condemning
email. I have shared it with a few of
you privately, but will not print it here.
It was 7 pages and 3,700 or so words.
It was a goodbye letter. I have
finally given up that our relationship will ever get any better. She will continue to emotionally, mentally,
and verbally abuse me, whenever she thinks she can get away with it. As I did four years ago when she robbed me (My mother - part 2), I am trying to pick up the
pieces of my broken heart and go on.
I pray that this time will be different and that I will not
go back, no matter how much it pains other family members, or how I feel I am
causing them pain, or hurting them. I
for the first time in many years, perhaps my life, am putting my own health and
feelings ahead of everybody else.
Something, perhaps some of you will condemn me for. That is something I will have to learn to
live with.
I have received no contact from her, since I sent the email
and posted the link to my article on my Facebook. The fact that I have blocked her from my
Facebook also helps I think. She has
blessedly not responded by letter, phone, carrier pigeon, text, or email to any
of this. And for that I am
grateful. My father, Jef, has at this
time remained silent on this subject as well.
I miss him dearly. I also sent
him an email, at the same time I sent mom’s, telling him how sorry I was that I
had caused him any pain, and how much I loved him. Telling him that the last year and a half
that I had contact with her was because I loved him so much.
I have picked up a good book called, “Healing the daughters
of narcissistic mothers: Will I ever be
good enough?” by Dr. Karyl McBride. It
is a tremendous book. It is causing me
to look at all that was skewed in our relationship. Why she did the things she did? How we functioned as a family? And I think a major cause as to why I have so
many mental problems. I know I am not
alone in all this work. It is my hope by
going public with my mother’s abuse and working diligently threw all of this
crap, threw all of this dirty laundry, I
will in the end save myself. And by
posting this, perhaps it will help you too.
Ilsa
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