Being Pagan - the middle years

My student and I research, consult elders, and although neither one of us has ever been to a Heathen Ritual we hold our first Blot in August of 2009.  My student begins to speak to me of another coven in the area.  It is lead by a woman I had heard only rumors of, all of them bad.  I knew that she had been part of Mike D.’s group many years ago, and that at some point she had been banished by Mike D.’s Superior in New Orleans.  I had been told to never have contact with her, and it took some convincing but my student eventually won me over.  We had both been asked to leave the same group, what harm could it do. 

I will never forget the night I met the woman, I will refer to her as my High Priestess (HP).  She was wonderful, warm and very, very knowledgeable.  She graciously took me into her home and let me basically interview her until well past midnight one night.  She dispelled all of the rumors I had heard of her.  She and her group began to attend several of our rituals.  Many in her coven had either been asked to leave Mike D.’s coven, or had left of their own accord. I was welcomed with open arms.  It was not long after that I began to attend rituals at the HP’s home.  The HP’s rituals were wonderful, transfixing, soul fulfilling, and magical.  I remember telling her after my first ritual at her home, that I felt my “magical cherry” had been popped.  I had experienced true Pagan worship, not just someone playing at it. 

When Jay’s Grandmother, Momma Muriel, died she left her land and home to us.  Mike D. and his family moved into that house in the spring of 2009.  Him living on the property, me being asked to leave his coven, and now having a woman, he’s superiors had banished, on the property made our relationship difficult to say the least.  Mike D. taught me an important lesson in life, that not all Pagans are good people.  He was an ass and power hungry.  Mike D. paraded around town as a 3^rd degree high priest and knew less about his faith then I did.  He read no books and did no research on his faith.  Mike D. brought destruction where ever he went. 

He and I had a conversation on my front porch one night.  One of his coven members had recently left and began studying with another coven in town.  She had a very bad car wreck and was in a comma for three days.  He said to me, “you know it is on the tip of my tongue to say that she deserved it for leaving the coven.”  I knew at that moment I wanted him off my property and out of my life.  To curse her like that was unacceptable.

It took a while.  We encourage him, gently, to search for his own house.  We helped him pack.  That packing helped confirm my suspicions on what kind of Pagan he was.  His Pagan book hoard contained two books.  His altar was covered in dust and not one of the first things he packed.  Obviously it was not important to him.  In fact he left many of his magical items in the house. This was the confirmation of something I had felt for a while.  Mike D. was playing at being Pagan.  He was in it for the power, not the knowledge or for the worship of the Gods.  In the end he trashed Momma Muriel’s house, stole from us and owed us money.  Turns out we were not the first in town he had done this to.  We tried to sue him, but the lawyer we used ended up getting disbarred.  So we never got out stuff or our money back. 

Jay and I stayed away from PNO and the local Pagan community at large for a long time.  We were afraid to run into Mike D.  Recently he left the area.  We have since come out of hiding and felt free enough to go back to PNO.  Turns out, we were not the only ones to do so. That night I sat with two old friends and listened to the last days of Mike D. in this community, and it was not pretty. His former coven is now trying to pick up the pieces and go on.   He had come here, from somewhere up north, and in the end blew thru this community like a hurricane.  He left the people in this community broken and shaking their heads at the destruction he wrought.  None one was sad to see him go. 

The HP, my student took me to, was a real woman of faith.  I still love and respect her to this day, despite what she might think of me.  She is deserving of my admiration and love for all that she taught me.  She and her coven gave me a spiritual home when I needed one the most.  My student and I stopped holding ritual as we became absorbed into the HP coven.  My student and I eventually parted ways.  I felt I had nothing else to teach him.  He and I remained in the coven for many years, and I was eventually initiated as a member.

There was a point that I became arrogant and cocky towards another member.  You see I had been working and studying and I wanted to become the HP’s right hand woman.  The member I was mean towards, I felt had come in and taken my place.  I was wrong.  We sat and confronted each other one night.  She was nothing but gracious towards me.  I was in the wrong.  I had let my want of a position, power if you will, take over.  It should not have been about me helping with ritual and wanting to be a leader, it should have been about worshiping the Gods.  I felt I was being pushed out.

I am an avid crocheter and knitter.  I met a woman in a local crochet group who claimed to be a witch.  Her name was Melinda.  We had known each other for a while and I wanted her to meet my HP.  I brought Melinda to her house, where she acted rudely.  She offended and disrespected the HP and her family.   I did not know this until over a year later.  I either did not notice or I was in the other room.

The HP coven was quite large at the time.  Melinda, her family, Juno, her wife, and a few other friends decided to start our own coven.  We called it Holda’s Hands.  I tried to be active in both my new group and the HP coven.  Our dates never lined up, I was always busy with Holda’s Hands while my other coven was holding ritual.  Soon I began to not receive notices of when events were being held.  I really thought nothing of it, until Melinda when to jail. 

She was arrested on an old outstanding warrant from Tennessee.  She was held for 14 days before she was finally bonded out.  Then she came to live with me for two weeks, because she did not want to be in her home by herself.  In those 14 days she was held I learned a lot about Melinda, including that a lot of what she had told us was lies.  She had not grown up as a witch and had not raised her kids that way.  She had not worked in places and done things she had said she had. It did turn out that she was a con-artist and a thief.  The outstanding warrant from Tennessee was for theft in access of $10,000.  While she was in jail, she was fired from her job.  It is my guess that Melinda was stealing from the company she had been working for, something which I cannot prove at this time. 

We had all been duped by Melinda.  She had come out of jail and insisted she was pregnant, again at 50.  That turned out to be a lie, like too many other things.  Melinda had been like a mother to me, especially when my own mother robbed my house and then refused to speak to me.  Melinda was one of the few people that ever saw me have a panic attack that was so bad I regressed to a younger age.  Part of that was brought on by dealing with her.  In the two weeks that Melinda lived with me, I go to see her true colors.  She did everything for me and the berated me because I could not do it to her satisfaction.  She threw tantrums when I told her, “No” and did not do as she said. 

I finally insisted that she go back to her own home.  It was shortly after that I cut off all communications with her.  Holda’s Hands split over the matter.  Only Juno and her wife, Kay, stayed.  Close to Mabon I made a phone call to the HP.  I told her some of what had gone on.  I wanted to know when the next ritual was so that I might attend.  I wanted to come back home.  She was angry with me, over things Melinda had done in her home.  Things I did not know about.  I wanted to sit down with her, over a glass of wine, and explain how I had been duped by this con-woman, and how sorry I was for anything she or I might have done.  I was never given that opportunity.  A Facebook message arrived a few days later from the HP telling me to cut and burn my initiation cords and to never step foot back on the property.  I was devastated.  I never understood what I did wrong.  I still don’t. 

I told you that recently I went back to PNO, and sat and talked with old friends.  We shared our stories of where we had been including the one I’ve just finished telling you.  On the ride home, I began to feel such a divine since of grace.  I felt Holda had moved me, like a piece on a chess board.  She had moved me out of Mike D.’s coven to a place of real learning, the HP coven.  She had then moved me from the HP coven to where I currently am.  I had been moved ahead of danger, years in advance.

I could not sleep that night so at midnight, Holda’s other holy hour, I went into my altar room.  They had been hanging above my altar for many years.  I never had the strength to cut them as told.  That night I took my maiden belt and my initiation cord off the wall.  They represented 7 years of hard work and learning.  I cut them and I bundled them to be burned. I realized, that even given the opportunity I would never go back to either group, because I am happy where I am now. 

Ilsa

 

Being Pagan - the early years

I think becoming Pagan is a little like making gumbo.  No two are ever the same.  They vary not only from person to person but from region to region.  Do you serve it over rice, over potato salad or with nothing at all? All gumbos have a few basic parts:  the roux, the liquid, vegetables and meat.  But all are variable and most of that is based on geography, who taught you to make gumbo and personal preferences.  For your liquid do you use water or stock and is your roux light or dark?  What vegetables to you put in?  I add onions, garlic, bell pepper, and celery.  I don’t like okra, but where do you stand on Okra?  Is it true gumbo without okra?  Since gumbo literally means okra.  And then there is always the real test.  Is it chicken and sausage gumbo, or is it seafood?  Most of us in North Louisiana make gumbo with chicken and sausage, because seafood is more expensive and harder to get.   Most people on the coast make it with seafood because it is cheap and plentiful. 

There are many wonderful and delicious variety of Paganism out there.  The list of what is Pagan and what is not Pagan I think has changed over time.  Now when I was coming up Paganism meant anything that was not Abrahamic (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam).  So this meant religions with long traditions like Taoism, Shinto, Buddhist, and Hindu were still included.  There are other beliefs such as, but not limited to: Voodoo, Santeria, African Tribal, Native American Spiritualities and other religions of First Peoples, that kind of fall in the middle.  While some Pagans may be interested in these religions and / or borrow from these religions, that does not make the religions Pagan, in my mind.  All of the above religions are currently active in their regions of origin.  No one in them is trying to reconstruct anything about them.  They are wonderful beliefs, but they are not we in the Pagan community usually speak of when we say Pagan.  They stand alone.

Paganism, sometimes refers to as Neo-Paganism, tends to be, but is not limited to, things that are Indo-European in origin and Kemeticism or the belief in the Egyptian Gods, is usually thrown in for good measure.  So when I talk about Pagan I am referring to religions such as, but not limited to: Wicca, Witchcraft, Asatru, Heathenry, Slavic, Hellenic, Roman, Reconstructionist, and Druidic.  This is by NO means a comprehensive list.  That’s what we have Wikipedia for, thank the Gods!  There are many other branches of the Pagan tree that I don’t know of.  I am always learning more. Now within the above named religions there are many, many variations.  Wicca has lots of variations.  I have heard of over 20 or 30 different kinds of Wicca. I invite you to seek out the variations in all the above religions.    

Eclectic is a word you are going to hear a lot.  It is a word usually referring to people who have multiple Gods from multiple Pantheons.  This makes up a very large portion of the Pagan Population.  I have one friend for instance who is devoted to Yemoja, an Orisha, and Ganesha, a Hindu God.  She is also interested in Kemeticism or Egyptian Gods.  She does not consider herself Hindu, Voodoo, or Kemetic.  She considers herself Pagan.  Remember sometimes we chose our Gods and sometimes they chose us.  What you believe, I hope will be fluid.  That you pick up things, adding or subtracting, over time as you develop your religious recipe.  That your gumbo grows to suit and nourish you. 

For most of my Pagan life I have defined myself as a Heathen of some type.  Heathen refers to the native religion of Germany, Denmark, Scandinavia and Iceland.  Basically anywhere the Vikings lived.  Asatru and Heathenry are usually interchangeable terms.  I had been doing the Native American thing, which leads me to the pamphlet on Heathenry.  Then Holda had appears to me.  My family is of Germanic origin; we speak German, still have family in Germany, and still keep some German customs.  So following the Gods of the Germans was easy for me, because I have ties there.  Your story will be different.

You will find that Wiccan’s make up the majority of the Pagan movement.  The community I became a part of was filled with Wiccans, a Kemetic, a few Druids, and in the beginning no Heathens.  While I knew many on-line, it took me two years, and trip to the Pagan Unity Festival in Tennessee, to meet my first Heathens.  They have become true friends to me.  They called themselves Wayists.  They were essentially Druidic Heathens.  They were also unbelievable devotees of Holda’s as well.  I was so overwhelmed I cried.  I thought at first they were apparitions or spirits made flesh.  A gift to me, from Holda for having been faithful, and indeed they have been.  We quickly exchanged contact information and I remain in regular contact with them today.  I have said on many occasions that I was Heathen with heavy Druid leanings.

Maddie had taken me out to our local PNO, Pagan Night Out.  These events are held all over the country.  Check your area for one.  Ours meets at a local restaurant on the 13^th of every month.  It was there I meet a man I will only identify as Mike D.  He had a Polish sounding last name, so I told him about Heathenry.  I hoped maybe he would convert, then I would have a buddy and not be alone on my path, but that didn’t happen.  He did invite me to his ritual.  So Maddie and I went.  I liked the people. It was a big coven at the time, probable 10 or 15 strong.  I started getting involved with his coven, but I never officially joined.  I spent several years with them. I was given the honorary title of maiden, for my work with the group. In the ritual I was given a special belt, which I kept for many years.

I was also active on-line, at the time, building Njord’s Nest, which was based out of a Yahoo Group.  We called it Louisiana’s Kindred.  We were an email list of Heathens, trying to reach other Heathens in the Louisiana area.  Prior to Katrina there seems to have been a physical Heathen group in New Orleans, but after Katrina though people were scattered to the wind.  Other than that, there were no Heathen groups in the Louisiana area.  At least none that were public.  Njord’s Nest became a resource for people in the early days.  It was thru Mike D.’s coven that I met a man who would become my first student.  My student and I began to put together a Kindred, a Heathen group, along with some of his friends and family. 

I never hid the fact I was Heathen from anybody.  As Njord’s Nest was growing and our local chapter, Holda’s Hammer, was as well, l I reached out to Mike D.’s superior for help.  We wanted to make bylaws.  That’s kind of when all hell broke loose.  I was an honorary Maiden in Mike D.’s group, Co-founder of Njord’s Nest, and Gythia, or High Priestess, of Holda’s Hammer.  This was all widely known.  Mike D. goes to see his superior in New Orleans.  He returns and comes to me with a message from them.  Unless I immediately cease and desist, trying to run my own group, I will be stripped of my title and asked to leave.  I am confused and taken aback.  I am also told his superior refuses to help me with the bylaws.  She does not want her Wiccan group in any way associated with Heathenry.  And it took me a while to understand why.  There are those among the Skinhead and other hate organizations that claim Heathenry as their religion.  I am not one of those, neither are my friends, nor were any of my students. 

It takes a few weeks but I make the decision to leave Mike D.’s coven.  I will not give up, Njord’s Nest and Holda’s Hammer, and what I have worked so hard to build.  It broke my heart, but I left.

Ilsa