Surrounded by love

Surrounded by love

Written March 28^th, 2017

I’m sitting in the truck outside of Jay’s office, waiting on him.  It’s a warm and beautiful spring day.  The sun is warm, but it’s not too hot.  I’m wearing one of my favorite dresses and new shade of lipstick that Jay helped me pick out last night on our date.

Driving here a minute ago, I was just enraptured by the idea that I am surrounded by love.  People who truly love me and want what is best for me.  I feel happy and damn near joyful, strong and almost indomitable.

More of my mother’s indiscretions have come to light.  For several weeks I have been heart sick and damn near heartbroken over all this news.  But all her indiscretions, and to what depths they go I am still not sure, have confirmed some things to me.  Despite the fact that my mother clothed me, fed me, and gave me medical attention and affection when it suited her.  My mother has a heart of stone, and it seems always has.  The term, “love is for suckers,” seems to sum up her ideology best I think.  But I now know it wasn’t just me.  I am not her only victim. 

Most of my life I have abused by her emotionally, mentally, and sometimes verbally.  She truly is a narcissist, and when you peel back the layers is hollow inside, despite what you might see.  When you look in her eyes there is an emptiness that goes down to her soul. 

But I am not here to talk about her psychology or her diagnoses.

I want to say this, in finding out that her abuse and use of me was just a continuation of her pattern, and I am not the only one, has made me feel, strange as it sounds, worthy of love.  I have in the last few days been able to truly feel Jay’s love and marvel in my own strength.  I look at him and when he says, “I love you,” for the first time I truly, to my bright orange toenail polish believe him.  I don’t feel he is just saying it and has an ulterior motive.  Not that he ever did mind you, but years under my mother’s rule, makes you question ever word that people utter, ever look they cast, and every thought that goes unsaid.  You are constantly trying to decide who is playing you, and who is not. 

I have in the past few days truly felt that I was loveable, and worthy of love.  That people truly wanted me around and I was not just to be tolerated.  In a way the world feels like a friend again.  I am surrounded by the love of my husband, my children, my grove, and the family I am piecing back together for myself.  And it feels at time almost overwhelming.

I read my cards the other night and they were beautiful, wonderful, and full of prosperity.  After so much tragedy it is almost scary to believe good will come my way.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.  You know culture of poverty her people.  I told Jay the other day, “Tragedy I take in stride, happiness I have to handle in increments.”

I keep hearing my heart say, “It wasn’t just me.  I’m not the bad one here.”  Yes I am flawed.  Yes I am broken.  Yes I am human and imperfect, but maybe, just maybe I am not the monster here.

Ilsa